A testimony is an evangelical message, a message that one receives and wishes to pass on to others, a message from the Evangelist, and that Evangelist is Jesus Christ.
This gospel message is a love story, the love story between a particular person and Jesus Christ, that love that is now possible thanks to the love that the Son of God has manifested.
Before continuing I would like to pray to the Father to enlighten us and give us words from the Holy Spirit. “Our heavenly Father, we thank you that you have allowed us to come to you. I thank you that I can testify of your wonderful gospel. I beg you to give me your words, words that give life power to those who listen. We ask it in the name of Jesus. Amen".
I begin my testimony with a verse that is very dear to me: Matthew 11:28. The Lord God gave it to me in a time of great need. He was about to do something foolish. Then He took my hand and pulled me out of depression. The verse is: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
In a boarding school in Jerusalem
I was born in Lebanon to Roman Catholic parents and entered in the registry of their church. In January 1923 I was baptized in a triple immersion ceremony. This is the custom of the Syrian Catholic Church. Through this act I became a "Christian" and a member of that church. When I was three years old my mother died, and they put me in a boarding school in Jerusalem, where I stayed until I was thirteen. Since I was a child I liked the altar, the priests, and everything related to priestly service.
The school was run by the Sisters of Mercy. A nun, Sr. Germaine, noticing my piety and my interest in the liturgy, insisted that I should be a priest. (Later I wrote him twice explaining the way of Salvation. After the second letter, he did not answer me).
My doubts in the seminar
When I was thirteen, I had to choose between going to high school or enrolling in the seminary to become a priest. I chose a Syrian Rite seminary. You know what seminarians are like. They are carefully selected and many are discarded and few remain. Of course, these are still not perfect. I did not feel worthy of the priesthood and I asked my prior many times if I could leave. The answer was always the same: "You have been called by God and if not, when we see it clearly we will let you go." This went on for a long time. The last time I went to the prior with this problem was just before my ordination as a subdeacon. I sensed the difficulties that the priesthood would bring me, especially celibacy. After going through this ordination, he would automatically face the obligation of celibacy for life.
In addition there was a strong sense of unworthiness that grew within me. I did not feel acceptable enough to serve at the altar. That was why I strongly insisted to my prior that he should not be ordained as a subdeacon, but I could not decide for myself. (When one has reached this point of preparation for the priesthood, Catholics consider it a disgrace to leave.)
Again I received the same advice: "You can be ordained without any fear," and in that way I became a subdeacon and later was ordained a deacon. Once again I went to my superiors and asked if I could remain a deacon for life. I did not ask this question because I did not want to continue my studies but simply because of my feelings of unworthiness in relation to the priesthood. I wanted, like Ephraim the Syrian, to serve my whole life at the altar and help in the priesthood. My superiors considered this a foolish idea and forced me to take the last step, that of being ordained a priest.
A little piece of paper in my heart
After my ordination as a priest the doubts continued. They called these doubts "angelic virtues." But he also had difficulties on an intellectual level. I already had them when I was studying philosophy and especially theology. He could not accept certain things without difficulties. I wanted to understand all the dogmas and wondered how they came about and how important they were. He couldn't be uncertain about this. On one occasion my superior told me: “If you have difficulty believing, do not despair; imitate your patron saint, Saint Vincent de Paul ”. He had written the Creed on a piece of paper and rolled it up. When doubts attacked him, he kissed the paper and pressed it to his heart saying: "Lord, I don't understand, but I still believe." I followed his advice and experienced a brief period of peace.
Diplomacy against a dictatorship
To be short, I had disciplinary, intellectual and ethical difficulties. In the first place, I had an aversion to completely submitting my will to my superiors. The bishop could actually do whatever he wanted with us. The effect was that many did their thing using other means. This was especially so in relation to designations. If one had a bit of cunning and an intuition for diplomacy, then one could avoid an unwanted appointment and even trade it for something better. For example, I was appointed chaplain to a small town in the desert. I manipulated things so that this appointment was canceled and instead I was made a professor at a seminary.
The advice of a Franciscan from Gethsemane
This designation brought its own difficulties. Now I had to try very hard to be a good example for my students. He also had to celebrate Mass in the morning, alternating with other priests. We were the only two professorial priests in the seminary who belonged to the Syrian rite. The others were Benedictines. My yearning for a perfect life increased enormously and I sought to gain the power for this through the sacraments. The sacraments did not give me the power I was looking for. This disappointment gave me a crisis. I began to doubt the value and truth of the sacraments. From that point on I began to consider resigning from the priesthood, not because I wanted to leave the Roman Catholic Church, but because I wanted to be relieved of the burden of my priestly duties. I felt totally unworthy of this holy way of life. I spoke with my confessor, an old Franciscan who lived in the Gethsemane cloister. He always said, “My dear boy, even the greatest saints have had trouble with temptations about their beliefs. There is no valid reason to quit. Continue calmly. It is Satan who does not want you to do things well ”.
The priest who was poisoned
Around this time, a priest took poison and took his own life. He had been a bad priest, who dealt with all kinds of obscene matters, he had been addicted to gambling and lost his life playing. Sometimes he won and sometimes he lost. In the end he committed suicide. I began to consider following his example. Before taking my life, I would abandon myself to God's mercy and ask him to awaken in me a perfect act of contrition. That thought scared me. I felt helpless and depressed.
The frightening image of an apostate priest
Despite the terrible state I was in, I did not dare to break with the Roman Catholic Church, because then I would become an apostate priest. Many times we had been shown the terrible image of the renegade priest, but we had only been told about those priests who had been expelled and had to leave the church. I did not know that there were many other priests who had left the church because the love of Jesus Christ had claimed them. Leaving the Roman Catholic Church meant for me to follow the path of Renan, or like the former priests DeLammenais and Loisy. These priests were painted as monstrous examples of pride or as slaves to animal instincts. I would never want to become one of them.
I wanted to commit suicide
Still, he was in critical condition and needed urgent help. One day I went to my parish church and knocked on the altar pleading, "Lord, if you really are here now, please help me." But I did not receive any help, quite the contrary. Suddenly I understood that I had committed another sin against my faith because I had said "If you are really here now ..." I had expressed doubts in relation to the dogma of the real presence and the transubstantiation of Christ in the host. When one deliberately doubts a Roman Catholic dogma it is a mortal sin. I returned to my room very depressed and again began to think about the possibility of taking my life and immersing myself in eternity, but I did not dare.
Suddenly I had to pray
Suddenly I had a strong desire to pray, but not the prayers of my Syrian breviary. I wanted to approach God in personal prayer from the depth of my heart. I got down on my knees and said, “Lord, I don't want to be an apostate and I'm also afraid of losing all my faith. That is why I pray now that you will let me die while I still have faith in you, in your Son Jesus Christ, in his Holy Spirit, and in your Holy Church and in all that she teaches me ”.
Jesus speaks to me from the scriptures
Very soon after, I felt the urge to open my New Testament. He had various kinds of Bibles in Arabic, Aramaic, Latin, and French. But he had never really read it conscientiously, that is, taking it with a needy heart. He had no reverence for the Word of God and no respect for this book of the Lord. I had never had the time or inclination for it because I had never had expectations for my soul. That day I opened my Bible and my eyes fell on Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."From the human point of view that was accidental, but it was God who has everything in his hands and who directs everyone who had prepared that text for me. I wasn't reading those words for the first time. I had read them many times from my breviary and at Mass, but they meant nothing to me. That day those words were a personal message from Jesus to me. Then I prayed a second time and said, “Lord, I take your Word. It is you who is calling me. I'm here. You promised to take my burdens. Well, here they are. Take them off and free me from them. " I received some relief but at that time I did not know Jesus as my personal Savior.
Back to the routine, the tiredness and the pain
Soon after I had to return to my routine work as a priest - celebrating Mass and hearing confessions. I again administered the sacraments at the orphanage with its three hundred orphans. The people of the parish again demanded my attention. My sad and tired life continued.
A foolish plan
One day I reminded myself that the first time I had received a certain light had been through the Bible. Why not go to the House of the Bible in Beirut to ask about a book on comparative religions? When I think about this I have to smile for being so naive. I was looking for a book that talked about various religions so that I could choose the one that suited me best.
I tell you all this as an example so that you can see how a Roman Catholic priest can be far from the truth. He had never known a living personal religion. I was looking for something difficult. He wanted to choose between Islam, Buddhism, Confusianism, Hinduism, the Greek Orthodox Church, and Protestantism. They all had the same value to me. He wanted to choose between them, but it was clear that he only wanted to make an intellectual choice.
They only told me about Jesus
When I went to the House of the Bible in Beirut in my priestly habit, I was very aware that I was visiting "heretics." I rang the bell and asked for a book on religions. I received a friendly welcome. They talked to me, they helped me especially, they prayed for me. That was the first time I prayed with Protestants. Of course they will want to know what we are talking about. Well, it wasn't about other religions or about the church, but only about Jesus Christ. I thank the Lord who inspired them to tell me about his Son. I was glad to hear them. They gave me a brochure called "Towards Safety." It was printed in Switzerland and contained some biblical verses with illustrations and references.
By grace, salvation through Christ alone
I took that simple brochure into my room and read a little each day. So I began to understand the message of the gospel. I came to a decision that had long been prepared under God's direction. My life was maturing with reading and meditating on that booklet and the Word of God. I got down on my knees to trust only Jesus. By God's grace everything in me was open to receive him. I closed my human eyes and the eyes of my mind and opened only the eyes of my heart in faith and love, and I said to the Lord: “Jesus, only you are the Savior, your name means Savior. I accept you as my Savior, and from this moment on I will not build on anything but you. From now on I will seek my salvation only in you ”.
So the miracle happened, the one that I so badly needed: a spiritual birth. I became a new creature, a child of God. Outwardly he was still a Roman Catholic, he was still wearing the priestly habit. The books in my room were still Roman Catholic. Inwardly, however, he was no longer a Roman Catholic. Inwardly I had become a Christian. Also in my way of thinking I was still Catholic, because so many years of pseudo-biblical scholastic teaching are difficult to dismiss. In my spirit, the Spirit of God bore witness to me that I had become a child of God.“For you have not received the spirit of slavery to be in fear again, but you have received the spirit of adoption, by which we cry out: Abba, Father! The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God ” (Romans 8:15 and 16).
I talk to my bishop
With this new inner life I began to reorient my life and I had the courage to leave the church without fear, without scenes and without hurting anyone. I told my bishop: "Monsignor, I want to leave the church." I stopped celebrating mass. Then the bishop summoned me and asked me why. By then I had studied the Bible a lot and it was food for my soul. I especially read the Psalms and the New Testament, and that was how I was able to give the bishop an answer directly from the Bible. “For by grace are you saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God; not by works, so that no one can boast”(Ephesians 2: 8 and 9). “Monsignor,” I said, “do you want to know how much I love Mass? Well, if you are prepared to celebrate Mass with me the way it is recorded in the Bible, then I will gladly celebrate Mass with you. At the Last Supper, Jesus celebrated it as follows, without special clothing and without incense. (In the Syrian Catholic rite, Mass is always celebrated with incense.) I am not going to sprinkle the incense nine times or ask you to sprinkle it three times. Nor are you going to wear your garments as is the custom. If you agree, then I am prepared to celebrate Mass with you, but only in the way that Christ has instituted the Lord's Supper. " "What strange ideas you have!" "Monsignor, they are not my ideas, but those of the gospel." "No, no, those are Protestant fallacies." But I can tell you that I had never exchanged with Protestants and I thank the gentleman who had not put me in contact with members of any official Protestant denomination. He had only known evangelical Christians who did not start talking about churches or the church. They talked about Jesus, whom everyone must personally accept as Savior. That was what he had done, so that he was actually "Protestant," but only to the extent that he strongly protested against anything that is not in accordance with God's Word. whom every person must personally accept as Savior. That was what he had done, so that he was actually "Protestant," but only to the extent that he strongly protested against anything that is not in accordance with God's Word. whom every person must personally accept as Savior. That was what he had done, so that he was actually "Protestant," but only to the extent that he strongly protested against anything that is not in accordance with God's Word.
Earlier he had warned others against Protestants
"Why don't you listen to confessions when people ask you to?" the bishop continued. “The reason is very simple, Monsignor, because only Jesus has the power to forgive sins. He has shed his blood for us. Only he has received the power of God to be the Savior of mankind. I don't want to violate the rights of Jesus Christ, ”I explained. "I can see that the Protestants in your parish have greatly influenced you," he replied. But I had never been with a Protestant from my parish. I had gone to the Bible House in Beirut, and that was a long way from my parish. There were several evangelical Protestants in my parish, and I had often gone to my bishop to say "Monsignor, we have to be careful of the Protestants in our parish." People had often reproached me for the misconduct of my fellow priest, for example, he was always playing cards. “We have to be examples for our parish,” I continued, “because the Protestants are ready to stir the hornet's nest. So we have to be very cautious and set a good example, otherwise we will be stung by the Protestant wasps ”.
I, who had gone to the bishop so many times to warn him against the influence of the Protestants, now heard that I had been influenced by them, even though I had never spoken to one. "Well, Monsignor, if you call me a Protestant on the basis of what I have said about my testimony of Jesus Christ as the only and personal Savior for all who believe in him, then in a sense I am a Protestant," I admitted.
The conversation with a Jesuit priest
The bishop wanted me to have a talk with a Jesuit priest, hoping he could change my mind. He was a professor at the Beirut Faculty of Theology. At first I refused. But I finally went to see him. He started off very diplomatically and spoke at first about various other matters, but not about my conflicts of conscience. Shortly after he mentioned the state of my soul. He asked me if I lived in a good spiritual climate. "Yes," I replied. "I thank the Lord God that I am in an excellent spiritual condition." "And how is your prayer life?" "Very well! Prayer is the expression of my soul ”. "Do you pray to Saint Vincent de Paul?" "No, father, not at all." "Do you pray to the Holy Virgin?" “No, father, I do not pray to Saint Vincent or the Holy Virgin, I do not invoke any saint. I just pray to Jesus Christ"Because there is only one God, and only one mediator between God and men, the man Jesus Christ"(1 Timothy 2: 5). "But don't you believe in the Virgin Mary anymore?" “Sure you do, and I respect her a lot. But I don't want to give him any of the rights that belong to Jesus. " Then he took up his breviary and read a passage from Bernard de Clairvaux about Mary: “When you are desperate, look at the Morning Star; when you are fearful, return to Mary; when you're ... etc., etc. " Then he asked me: "Don't you find this particularly beautiful?" I replied, "I don't find it beautiful at all." "Well, what are your conclusions then?" "The same conclusion I gave you at the beginning of our conversation." "But that is not logical." “Father,” I said, “do you see that crucifix behind you? If I took Christ off the cross and got rid of him, then maybe I would feel the need to pray to someone else, maybe Mary. But as long as I believe in Jesus Christ, who has completed everything, I feel fullness in him and I don't need a substitute ”. “I see clearly,” he said, “that you look too much like a Protestant. I can't keep talking to you, I'm sorry ”. Then I left his presence.
Above the splendor of the Vatican
Later the Jesuit priest telephoned the bishop to inform him of our conversation. The bishop called me again. He said, “I'll give you two weeks to rethink things. I would like to give you a year of leave and spend in Rome in the home of the Provincial of the Syrian Rite. We will pay for the trip and your stay in Rome. There you can rest and you will not need to do anything. You will be able to drink in the splendor of the Roman Catholic Church and allow its influence to reach you ”. “But,” I replied, “I don't need that. Above the splendor of the Vatican I prefer the splendor of the Word of God - the Bible ”.
The bishop offered me two weeks to think. I said, “I make my decision now. I declare with all certainty that I will never again celebrate a Mass or hear a confession, and that I will not pray to other saints again. My belief is totally based on the gospel. I accept the Bible as the authority of my life and as food for my soul ”. "If that's the way things are," was his reply, "then do what is necessary so that we are not forced to take the extreme measure." I knew what it meant. I packed my things and left because I wanted to prevent the police from pulling me out of the presbytery.
May Pastor Khouri be condemned!
I left my church but left it with complete peace of heart. I repeat it again. He couldn't leave the Catholic Church while he was Roman Catholic. I needed to find Jesus, a person-to-person encounter, to complete that step. I was too afraid of breaking with my church and becoming an apostate, excommunicated, a heretic. In my spirit I could already see my name added to the list of excommunicated people at the bottom of the churches in Beirut and throughout the Syrian Catholic world, because that is how things are done in this part of the world. Everyone who is under the church's admonition appears on a list that is nailed for a year on that shameful billboard. He could already hear people saying, “Pastor Vincent Khouri is excommunicated, he has become a heretic. It is doomed. Be anathema! Is a damn!".
I had always had this terrifying image before me and this is the reason why I had not dared to leave the church. But those fears totally disappeared when I came to know Christ as my personal Savior. In earlier times I had prayed to Jesus but never to MY Jesus, MY Savior. Many times people pray to God in the name of Jesus but without knowing Jesus as their personal Savior. If, then, you have been raised with Christ, seek what is above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your sights on things above, not on things on earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God ” (Colossians 3: 1-3).
God looks at us as sinners (redeemed)
Dear fellow former priests. I know the fears they have been through. I know with what mortal sadness they have broken with the church they loved so much, but I can speak to them with hope. This is just one stage. It is just a negative way of looking at what is the essence of the real issue. The final decision does not lie in breaking with the Roman Catholic Church because of its mistakes. The final decision has to be made by everyone personally. In this we are equal. God does not look at us primarily as believers of a special religion or as belonging to a special church. God does not look at us first as Buddhists, or Mohammedans, or inhabitants of central Africa with their primitive pagan rites, as Roman Catholics, as Greek Orthodox, or as Protestants. God sees us only as sinners, for whom He has given His only Son. Only those who are clothed in the robe of Christ's righteousness are accepted as children by the Father. Those who are far from Jesus, those who perhaps pray to Jesus, but from afar, who have no communion of life with Jesus, cannot be called Christians.
One can call oneself a Christian from the day the Spirit of Jesus Christ bears witness within us that we are truly “born again”, the day we have that wonderful experience, not because of a sacrament that we have received, nor because of a doctrine that we have understood but the experience of a new life that we receive for nothing. It is the day when we rest in Jesus Christ, the day when we stop trusting in our own efforts, in our heart, our intelligence and ourselves. The day we completely trust Jesus is the day Jesus becomes the center of our life, our goal and company. Then we are born again, then Jesus gives us his Holy Spirit to guide us, comfort us, strengthen us, and encourage us in our dark hours.And when he comes, he will convict the world of sin, of righteousness, and of judgment. Of sin, because they do not believe in me ” (John 16: 8 and 9).
Comfort in the dark hours
They are sure to have occasional dark hours when they return in their imagination to their home country, Italy, Spain or France. Now they are living in a totally different world. That change is big and it can be heavy. Separating from loved ones can be very painful. I thank God if he has spared others those bitter experiences that I have had to go through. He had spent two years in total spiritual and social solitude. I had no contact with anyone else who thought like me. I didn't know any evangelical Christians in France when I left after cutting off the Lebanese church. However, even if one does not know bitterness, there are still many things that depress. Thoughts can wander in the past. You have to continually redirect your thoughts to Jesus Christ.
Released to release others
I cannot finish without insisting on the following: I am very sure that God has a calling for each one. Not a church call, because the true call does not come from human authorities, neither from our equals nor from our subordinates. We are all equal in Christ Jesus. But I am sure that if God has freed you from that system, He has done so to replace it with something else. We are called first to be witnesses of Jesus Christ. The preparation may have been long. God has released you to assist in the deliverance of others. Always be aware of that call. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,Father of mercies and God of all consolation, who comforts us in all our tribulations, so that we too can comfort those who are in any tribulation through the consolation with which we are comforted by God ” (2 Corinthians 1: 3 and 4).
"You are a royal priest"
Again, a call to tell others about the joy that is available can only be fulfilled if we possess this joy. Joy is found only in Jesus Christ. Every human being can experience this joy at any time in his life if he is guided by the Spirit of God and believes in the written Word and in the Word that has become flesh.
I pray that this joy in Jesus Christ will be completed in you. All over the world my brothers and sisters and redeemed children of God are praying for you priests. I tell you this to encourage you in the time when the dark hours come with depressing thoughts. What a wonderful thing to know that we have been allowed to be true priests, royal priests, for God. Not the priests of Leviticus who subsist under a special ecclesiastical system, now we are priests by the anointing of the Holy Spirit in our souls: “But you are a chosen lineage, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people acquired by God so that you may announce the virtues of that who called you out of darkness to marvelous light ” (1Peter 2: 9). Amen.
Thoufic Khouri was born in Lebanon and his testimony is uniquely unique and relevant to Catholics, Greek Orthodox, Buddhists, Muslims and Hindus.
Translated by Dante Rosso
[Source: https://bereanbeacon.org/es/el-evangelio-de-la-gracia-en-cristo-jesus/]
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