Why do you want to write your testimony and make it public? It's ridiculous! Who's interested? Many things have happened in your life, keep them to yourself. Why involve family and acquaintances in something so personal ...?
Many more things were said to me against this decision, to which there is only one possible answer: A testimony of salvation is more than just talking about oneself in an effort to excel in something; it is a simple act of obedience to God; It is the response to the command of Our Lord Jesus Christ of: Go , and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit; teaching them to observe all the things that I 've commanded you ... "(Matthew 28: 19-20)
God is the one who calls. He is the boss and we are that small part, that wretched instrument that He can use (I Cor. 1: 25-31) for the glory of His Name and His holy purpose. It is in obedience to Him that I have decided to write and publish part of what has been my search for Christ, from my childhood, to the encounter with Him and the result of his rescue and saving grace.
My first years
I am Spanish, born in Madrid. My dear parents, Antonio Pestaña and Carmen Segovia, had a large family, four sons and four daughters of which I was the last, "the girl of mime", as they used to say.
Our family was deeply rooted in the Roman Catholic Church. A sister of my mother, María Josefa Segovia, was the co-founder of a secular religious order called “Institución Teresiana”, dedicated to education.
At the age of two, along with my older sisters, they separated us from the family, taking us on boarding school to one of the houses where these Teresian nuns congregated and worked as teachers in the "Padre Poveda School Group" public school directed by them. I was there from two to seven years old, studying part of primary school. In this house there was a chapel with its altar and tabernacle. There I began to know and practice what the Catholic religion teaches. We went to our house on the weekends, and sometimes my parents or brothers would visit us.
I made my first confession before a priest, at the age of five, and I was prepared for First Communion at six. At this age I already knew how to read and write and I had to memorize Astete's Catholic catechism in order to enjoy the privilege of Communion. I remember perfectly with how much enthusiasm I prepared for this event, firmly believing that Jesus was in the consecrated host and that He was going to come to my heart.
I must always thank the Lord for giving me a very delicate and sensitive conscience for everything related to Him. From my earliest childhood, Jesus was the reason for my dreams, aspirations and desires. He was my close friend.
I was learning and assimilating about God, the Trinity, Jesus Christ, the Virgin and the saints, through the Teresianas and my family. He knew many lives of saints and martyrs, many of them bbiographies, stories of the early Church according to Catholicism, exemplary lives of all times and of course, many stories about the characters of the Bible.
I was excited about all of them and wanted to imitate them. I sincerely wanted to please God and dedicate my life to him. With fervor, he tried to comply with all the ordinances of the church: daily mass, confession, communion, fasting, almsgiving, prayers for the dead in purgatory, application of indulgences and many more, etc. We prayed the rosary as a family or at school. He had private prayer times and whenever he could, he tried to help in the sacristy of the chapel, to have more opportunity to be close to the things of the Lord.
When we were seven years old, they took us to a boarding school for young women, which in turn was a private school, also run by the Teresianas. For health reasons, when I was ten years old, they changed me again to another boarding school located in the Sierra de Córdoba, in the south of Spain, also owned by the Teresianas. After three years, so that I could be closer to the family, they put me back in the Santa Teresa school in the city of Ávila, a few hours from Madrid.
For one reason or another, I was always away from my family and increasingly attached to my special friendship with the Lord. Outwardly, she showed me as a happy, super-active, mischievous and at the same time, with a very special life of piety.
A Private Vote
At the age of fourteen I felt the call to consecrate myself to the Lord, I wanted to be totally His and I wanted to do it in some official way, so imitating the example of some saints, I thought of taking the vow of Chastity. After asking permission from my confessor and receiving his approval, I prepared in a very special way for that great day, January 21, 1961. I put a ring on one of my fingers, as a sign of commitment, like the ring of "fiancee".
From then on, he had a well-defined goal. I was going to be a missionary, I was going to finish high school and study nursing so I could be more useful on the mission field.
When I left school at sixteen, I exposed to the family the desire to be a missionary and study nursing, I did not find any support. They said they couldn't afford those studies, to start working, and maybe later ...
Chained in Freedom
That stage of my life was very difficult. Accustomed to living most of the time in schools, now she found that she did not know how to live as a family. I began to enjoy freedoms that I had not had before and also to confront problems for which I had neither the strength nor the emotional or spiritual maturity to face them.
I was trying to find refuge and safety in the religious practices for which I had been well trained, but I found myself helpless, vulnerable and lost in the new life the world offered me. I was overwhelmed by my repeated sins, I experienced a terrible lack of control, I was distressed because I saw my spiritual life in danger, which was what mattered most to me. My mother sometimes referred to me as "the difficult girl." In my home, I did not trust any of the family to be able to talk or vent about all these struggles in my inner world.
I started to work and earn some money, but the needs of the family did not allow me to save enough to study what I wanted. During this time I began to smoke, to drink, I did not miss the occasion of having fun and messing around. The more I wrapped myself in the vanities of life, the regrets and inner tension grew. My spiritual confessor, an Augustinian priest, came to have scruples in giving me absolution of my sins, because he said that he was always repeating the same thing and that he did not see signs of repentance, although he would confess weekly or more, if he believed it necessary. This greatly despaired me and I was on the verge of committing suicide on more than one occasion. The day he told me that he doubted if he should give me absolution, I ran out of the church crying and running,
Confessor change
Even more scared, and in pain, I entered the first church I found, which turned out to be that of the Dominican Fathers. I went through a side door and found shelter at the end of a dark corridor. Desperate and crying bitterly, a Dominican priest found me who happened to pass by at that moment. He saw the light immediately, and when he saw me in that state, he very delicately asked me about what was happening. With great patience, he got me to talk to him, which I did with great relief, and he consoled me and offered the absolution that I so longed for, because without the official forgiveness of the priest through sacramental absolution, I believed that the Lord would not forgive me either.
From that day on, this priest, Father Juan Luis Tena, was my confessor and counselor, and he helped me a lot.
Entry into the Convent
When I was about to turn eighteen, the age required to go to the novitiate of the Comboni Missionaries, I changed my mind and then decided that I was going to be a cloistered nun. Talking about this decision with my confessor, he referred me to the Monastery of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, of religious “Clarisas” or of the Order of Santa Clara, in Cantalapiedra, Salamanca. I knew him well, because he had five religious sisters there and his mother.
Soon I began to correspond with the nuns, especially Sister María Gracia and we decided that I would enter there in a few months.
When I broke the news to my parents, they didn't want to give me permission. There was a big problem in my house, but at last, after stubbornly insisting, and making them see that as soon as I was most of the age, I was going to go anyway, in the end, they gave in, and I left for the Monastery one cold morning of the February 4, 1965.
I cannot describe the internal joy and expectations with which I went to that new life and, on the other hand, the pain of feeling and living the opposition of my parents, especially my mother, when, finally! to be able to do what he had always wanted most; The being of the Lord completely, living a life of special surrender to Him.
Religious life
I adapted to the new life of "poverty, chastity, obedience and closure" without any problem. He lived intensely every day, every hour, every moment. At first the biggest drawback I encountered was fighting the cold. In these monasteries, austerity and poverty of life are carried to very difficult extremes. The denial of oneself has to be carried out in all areas, be it personally, materially and even physically.
You must submit to the Lord through rules, work, prayer, discipline, sacrifices and even corporal penances. No contact with the world that is not necessary; therefore, no news, newspapers, radio or TV. Nothing that can flatter or satisfy the senses. It does not matter if you are hot or cold, hungry or thirsty, tired, sleepy or uncomfortable, humiliation or shortage. In a word, you want to "burn", spend your life for the Lord at any cost.
I can say that everything seemed little to me in order to please the Lord, ensure my salvation and also ensure that of other souls. We had to be “co-redeemers” with Jesus and with Mary. You intercede for the living and the dead. We were the dynamo, the hidden heart of the "Holy Mother Church". Our life of prayer, work and penance was the “key” to the success of the Christian life and the assurance of salvation. Yes, at last I was sure (I thought) about my future with God. The practice of all the Sacraments was assured, he lived a holy life, separated from everything bad, material and worldly. He prayed, meditated, did special penances, sacrifices constantly, kept the rules of religious life and the monastery, those of the church… What more could the Lord ask that we not give him? She was apparently obedient, godly, hard-working, completely dedicated to the service and glory of God.
I took the habits of Clarisa in August 1965. A year later I pronounced the “temporary vows” and three years later the “solemn” or definitive ones. She was already officially and permanently consecrated to the Lord, betrothed to Christ, as we were taught. They also changed my name from lay Rocío, to "Sister María del Espíritu Santo."
My Godmother's Gift
On the day of the taking of the habit, they invited the family to the ceremony. As the monastery was undergoing repair works, and the church was closed to the public, the Bishop of Salamanca, granted a special permission, so that family and friends could enter the enclosure of the enclosure, and attend together with the religious, to Mass and other rituals.
What a lovely day for me! How much I had wanted this moment of my "Official" delivery to the Lord! With all my heart, mind, and will I was going to give him the definitive and total “yes”.
When the Mother Superior opened the closing door, my whole family was able to come in and give me a hug, just like I gave them, after having been separated during the six months that the novitiate lasted. There were tears, hugs, laughter ... Dressed as a bride and holding the arm of my beloved father, the small procession began to walk towards the chapel through the cloister and corridors of the monastery. I remember with regret how my mother, crying and whispering, said in my ear: Daughter, you still have time to tell us that you want to go home, and we are leaving, and nothing has happened here, we are not going to feel bad quite the opposite ... Although I could understand her grief, since she did not want in any way that kind of religious life for me, at the same time it hurt me not to have the support of her and my family in one of the happiest days of my lifetime.
At last we arrived at the altar of the small chapel, and surrounded by nuns and the family, the beautiful ceremony of the dressing of the habit and entry into the Order of Santa Clara took place. I feel that the brevity of this testimony does not allow me to describe the charm and beauty of this special and unforgettable day.
The guests entered the ceremony, there was my baptism godmother, Doña María Antonia Ruiz. She brought me a Holy Bible as a gift, and with the permission of the Mother Superior, I began to read it and I decided to do it from beginning to end, since I had never done it before and wanted to know as much as possible about Our Lord. I really liked reading it, although sometimes I didn't understand some passages.
He enjoyed reading the New Testament more than the Old. I wanted to know as much as possible about our Lord and his plans for us and that is why I read this precious book constantly. He also consulted sections of the Divine Office, which was in Latin, with the corresponding texts of the Bible in Spanish. I wrote down references to the book of Psalms that we recited every day and in my private reading moments I compared with the Bible. When I entered the monastery, even though I had studied Latin during high school, or understood a word of what we read or prayed in Latin. After a short time and above all, over the years, I could understand and translate without difficulty.
Thirst for god
The Gospel of John was the one that he read and meditated most assiduously during the years of religious life. I couldn't quite understand the meaning of salvation. Because I was a Catholic and a nun, I did not consider the need for her. He was only afraid of losing her because of sin. However, I began to know better about Who was speaking to me through Scripture: "I am the Good Shepherd", or "I am the Door", "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life", "The who is thirsty, come to me and drink ”. I particularly meditated and delighted in the encounter that Jesus had with the Samaritan woman at the well. (John 4: 1-26)
In the center of the convent's cloister there was a well, surrounded by flowers and bushes. How many times did I sit there, on the curb, ardently desiring the presence of Jesus with all my being, soul and will! In intense supplication I prayed and sought Him asking for "that spiritual water" that He offered to the Samaritan woman, for which I was dying of thirst. "Lord, give me a drink, I am thirsty for You, please give me living water ..."
As the years went by, I was more and more dissatisfied with myself. I wanted to be better every day, but how? How could he grow more and more in holiness? The struggle and anxiety reached a point where I began to have physical and emotional problems.
He read in the Gospel of John, in the passage about the Last Supper, when Jesus prayed for his disciples: "I do not pray that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from evil." (John 17:15) IN my desire for holiness, I read in the same prayer, “Sanctify them in your truth; Your word is truth". (John 17:17)
He considered that in the convent we lived completely separated from the world, virtually on another planet. And in the same passage he read, "As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world." (John 17:18) We believed that cloistered nuns were the "crème de la crème" of religious life. However, as time went by, I found many more contradictions about this point of view.
We had too many rules, too many observances, which although they have the appearance of a life of exquisite piety, chain and deceive creating a second personality and a false security in their own doing and in what is achieved through it. He was thinking of the condition of the Pharisees who least valued God's justice for their own righteousness. He could see and experience the respect of persons between the richest and the poor families.
Several times it was taught that a “white” lie told to save a difficult situation, or to defend someone was simply to use “the left hand” and that therefore it was not a sin. Rules, traditions, and rigid obedience made us unable to make personal decisions. Everything demanded unconditional order and submission if you wanted to please God and grow in holiness. All our activities were well protected by innumerable formalities that produced a pleasant appearance of perfection.
The Inner Struggle
A great inner struggle developed as I learned more about God, the spiritual life, and the life I was living in the cloister. This struggle brought me to the point of falling ill. I left the cloister to go to the doctor because overnight I lost my voice. The Mother Abbess thought that it could be tuberculosis in the throat as was the case of another nun at that time.
It has also happened in recent years that something terrible happened there that made me think a lot and that I still remember with pain.
There was a nun who had mental problems, but as outwardly she did not cause inconveniences in the community, she was allowed to live there calmly and without pressure. One day, this poor nun threw herself into the cloister and her first cries were not for help, but rather she screamed, “I condemn myself! Oh! I condemn myself! " She did not know how to swim but remained floating inexplicably in that narrow and deep well, crying helplessly out of fear of being condemned.
Our Mother Abbess tried to reassure her by repeating, "My daughter, stop condemning yourself, God is Merciful." I myself was there near the curb of the well, seeing and hearing this nun in the midst of so much anguish, until she could be rescued and treated by the doctor.
You who read this testimony may think, Why are you telling this? Such an accident can happen to anyone inside or outside the convent, especially when the person is not mentally healthy. I answer you that I am remembering this because it is very important.
You will see, despite a life of perfection, of love towards the Lord, of sacrifices, acrifices, meet all the requirements of the Catholic Church; even though the cloistered life is a life of dedication that is beautiful, clean, organized and full of peace… there is something that the nun, the monk or the priest cannot buy, deserve or obtain on their own merits or the merits of the church or the saints, or whatever, and this something is neither more nor less than the assurance of salvation.
Christ clearly teaches that; "He who is not born again cannot see the kingdom of God." And repeat; "It is necessary for you to be born again." (John 3: 3,7)
The "new birth" has nothing to do with organized religious practices, but it is God who calls and gives new life, spiritual life, by his Holy Spirit and saves through Christ and only by His grace, only by faith.
Of the nine years that I spent in the convent, the last three I lived in the middle of a very strong spiritual and mental struggle. I couldn't understand why what had made me so happy in the beginning now seemed so contradictory and empty.
He was terrified of being unfaithful to the Lord. I was drowning inside without knowing what to do to reconcile the mind with the spirit. Responsibility before the vows promised, against the feeling that this life had no meaning. He did not know how to explain it or make him understand the Mother Superior or the confessor. Our mother advised me to persevere because everything was temptation from the enemy. They changed my job or trade several times, hoping it would reassure me. But I thought, don't you realize that it is not the external things that I occupy myself with that may or may not give me peace, if not something deeper, this torture of conscience between what I think is right and what is not? it's okay? What is this void? What is this thirst for God so tremendous that nothing this life offers me can quench it?
I ended up asking for help from the confessor who was the spiritual father of my religious aunt and who at that time was in Rome working as secretary to the Father General of the Dominican Fathers. God in his providence allowed this priest to travel to Spain in those days, taking the opportunity to visit me in the convent and help me.
After listening carefully to what was happening and he would rather die than give up religious life, he told me something very simple and very direct that helped me to approach the situation from a different perspective. With great compassion and patience he told me: "My daughter, do you think that in the nine years of religious life that you have spent here, you have learned to know God at least a little more?" Yes, father, I told him; "So, don't you think that God is more Father and Mother than your own parents and that He does not want to torture you and that if He wanted you here, in this life, He would give you the peace and joy necessary to endure to the end?"
On his wings
With a broken heart I admitted that I could not continue living like this, without peace. Father Varcárcel took the responsibility of speaking with the Mother Superior so that without further delay they allowed me to leave the convent and spend a short period of time, as a test, at my parents' house, and thus calmly study in another perspective which one it was God's will for my life. The necessary permits were requested from the Bishop of Salamanca, who authorized my parents to leave home for a time, in which he had to make the decision to return to the convent or request through the Pontifical Curia in Rome the final departure and secularization.
When my family was advised of this decision, they quickly came to find me. That day in March 1974 I thought I was going to die of grief. Never in all my life, before or after, have I suffered such pain, deep pain. It was an indescribable agony. They did not allow me to say goodbye to the nuns who for nine years had been "my sisters." With panic and shame at what was judged as the most vile "desertion", I was accompanied to the door of the monastery by the Mother Superior and I think I remember two more sisters from the council. A cold and painful blessing was the goodbye as the strong bolts and keys of the regular door were moved. Each turn of the key was like a stab to the heart. I could not believe what was happening….
Was our Lord really letting me go? Wasn't He Almighty? Didn't you know how much you wanted to love and serve him? Couldn't it all stop? Didn't he see the terrible fear that I felt inside of having to leave behind the life that I had chosen to give myself to Him completely and that now was sinking into the void of uncertainty? Where was He now? Like fire devouring me inside I repeated inconsolably inside, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?"
I asked to be allowed to go out with the habit of a Poor Clare, I could not bear the idea of wearing the secular clothes that my sister sent me. They only authorized me for a few days. Both my sister Lola and my brother Alberto had to hold me and I could almost move. I couldn't speak just cry. Without strength, they took me to Madrid, under a dark sky full of clouds and intense rain that seemed to cry with me while erasing with a torrential downpour the silhouette of the monastery that was losing on the horizon. Where was my God?
Blind in my life of vanity and sin, enslaved and chained by the religiosity of good works, idolatry, penances and sacrifices, so many religious practices, endless links in a chain that could never give me freedom in Christ, I could not see in my wrong despair that it was the loving arms of the God that I thought I knew, who were really taking me out of there, even against my will, to offer me the salvation for which I had longed for and suffered so much and that I alone could not find. As it is written in Deuteronomy 32: 10-12…
" He found him in a desert land,
and in a wasteland of horrible loneliness;
he kept it as the apple of his eye.
Like the eagle that excites its brood,
It flutters on its chickens, spreads its wings,
He takes them, carries them on his feathers, Jehovah
he only guided him, and with him there was no strange god ... "
I noticed the picaresque glances of my brothers as they drove to Madrid and they prayed the rosary aloud, with resignation and in a hurry to see if it would calm me down while they smiled with satisfaction at having carried out the "rescue operation" without further setbacks ...
Life Outside the Cloister
Adapting to the new life outside the monastery, "in the world" was slow, dangerous and very difficult. I was disconnected from everything and everyone. The noises, the hustle and bustle, the daily passing of life in the big city were a constant shock and anguish for me. She was twenty-seven years old and as immature as a teenager facing life for the first time. Without the protection of the habit and the “intonation of the Gregorian chant, the rules, regulations, bell rings telling you what to do, the established method, the routine of the perfect and simple… I was like a knockout.
For many years she had been protected by habit, in voluntary isolation from the reality of life, protected and walled off by "good works."
Suddenly I saw myself powerless against sin, without discernment, without direction, humiliated by seeing myself so uncontrollably sinking deeper and deeper into the current “of the world”. In the convent she was chained with "the religiosity of religion." Now the chain of my folly and rebellion enslaved me more and more.
Foolishly thinking that the Lord had abandoned me, I rebelled against any rule or norm. Nor was I going to care about God's law anymore. He was going to do exactly what he wanted.
He tried to meet and go to church from time to time, but nothing, he couldn't. Everything seemed distant, useless, meaningless. I could no longer attend mass, confessing with the priest seemed stupid and hypocritical to me because I would repeat sins as if there was no repentance or strength to change. For some strange reason, the communion did not accept it either, as if those tabernacles in which I had previously spent so many hours in adoration and prayer, now seemed empty ... little by little I was distancing myself from all religious practice, I could not even read the Bible in the one that had so delighted me. All these practices no longer meant anything to me, they even disturbed me. What was happening?
Soon I started smoking again, and drinking, I dressed like any other young woman. I was fighting against my conscience because too often I wanted to do what was against God's law or morals.
Still wanting to study nursing, now my family quickly wanted to help me. The nursing school where I was admitted was far from Madrid, in the city of Barcelona. Again I had to separate from the family and start a new life. Although I enjoyed nursing school a lot and was a source of great satisfaction, I knew that my spiritual and emotional life were going downhill, which caused me a painful depression.
The High Cost of Bad Advice
I got to the point where I needed help as soon as possible. They recommended me to "a good psychologist" who was also a priest and worked at the Hospitalet Psychiatric Hospital.
Unfortunately the cure was going to be worse than the disease. The advice he gave me under his “professional and priestly” authority led me to the most dangerous situation of my life.
When I spoke to him about my childhood, adolescence and years in the monastery, he advised me as "necessary therapy" to "be myself" without further repression, rules, norms, etc ... He said that all my life I had been very repressed because of the years spent in schools and in monastic life, and now I had to open up to the world, give myself the opportunity to be myself, to enjoy life, if you want to steal; steal, or lie, have fun with men, drink and smoke if you like (he smoked non-stop while talking to me from the cloud of his cigarette) do not always be locked up studying, go out, do not be inhibited by anything or anyone, and do not come to me with that you have regrets.
"But, father, I said", what he tells me to do is a sin, it is against God's law ... "Oh, don't worry, throw it on my back, take it as part of your 'therapy', yes, no tell anyone, they might not understand or misinterpret it ... "
That's how I spent those years in Barcelona; studying, working and "recovering" at a high price. At the same time that I was building a professional future, my personal and spiritual life deteriorated more and more as my conscience hardened to do what I wanted without scruples or regrets. I made some trips to Puerto Rico, England and Italy, always ready to have fun and make up for lost time.
Visit to rome
When I finished my nursing studies and graduated, my parents offered me a trip to Italy so that I could visit the pope. I was delighted to accept because more than the visit to the Vatican I was planning to meet a good Italian friend and thus kill two birds with one stone, as it happened.
I arrived in Rome in August 1978. The Dominican father who helped me leave the convent was waiting for me as my parents had notified him of my arrival. He helped me leave the convent and was waiting for me, since my parents had notified him of my arrival. He helped me find accommodation and was kind and patient to accompany me through the “holy city” on my sightseeing. Also, on his own initiative, he got me a pass to attend one of the Pope's audiences. It was the last thing on my mind but I went, out of courtesy, not to return the pass. In this way I saw myself within that audience, in a good place, close to where the prelate had to pass and his presidential chair. The entire ceremony seemed like a ridiculous "show" to me. I was shocked and ashamed to witness up close the reverence and enthusiasm for a man like any other. With more human titles yes, and with special clothes and protocols, but in the end, a man.
Looking around I couldn't believe what I was seeing and hearing. The mass hysteria, the applause, the blessings, the kneeling in front of him, the looks and expressions of surrendered submission. I was stunned, I did not applaud, I did not pray, I did not shout with the crowd, I did not cheer, I wanted to run, what madness was that?
I considered all the wealth, the pomp, the artificiality and vanity of these ecclesiastical ceremonies as an insult to God, who, even though I was in the condition I was, disgusted me.
From Rome we visit Assisi. There, I wanted to reconcile with the Lord and with the help of this good priest I made a general confession and attended Mass, but even there, I could not find "that" that I was missing and that nothing and nobody could give me. I finally returned to Spain after visiting the Vatican, but not before spending a few days in Milan and the Alps.
Back in Barcelona, after many attempts to find a permanent job, without getting it and finding myself in a dead end, I decided to leave my country and work where they needed me.
From Puerto Rico to the Dominican Republic
I left Spain for Puerto Rico in December 1980. One of my brothers lived in San Juan, he and his family offered me hospitality as I found a new direction in my life.
I spent several months on that beautiful island trying to find work for which I needed to revalidate my nursing degree and at the same time obtain an American residency. Legal procedures and bureaucracies were slowing down the process and over the months the situation became increasingly difficult. The life of inactivity, of insecurity about the future, far from my friends and freedom that I had in Spain, I was falling apart inside. I was willing to do any nonsense or whatever in order to break the vicious circle in which I was stuck and continue with life "my own way."
The residence time was coming to an end and he had to leave American territory. Desperate I thought that I was going to go on an adventure, without returning to my parents' house in Spain. I wanted to get lost in some part of Europe and maybe join some counter-cultural religious group, very fashionable then and maybe even with a bit of luck I could suffer an accident and die. Why keep fighting so much for nothing? How to endure loneliness, frustration, regrets for longer? My family or friends couldn't realize the inner struggle I was going through. For them it was difficult, funny, uncontrollable and stubborn. Woman who did not get out of a problem, to enter another.
My brother, knowing something of what I was planning, encouraged me to go to the Dominican Republic, because due to the shortage of registered nurses I could find work, and meanwhile, wait for the American residency and return to Puerto Rico. Without much enthusiasm, I agreed to his proposal and thus, I left for Santo Domingo in September 1981.
Already on the plane I felt something like a feeling of recovered freedom although I was going completely into the unknown. Again to start from scratch. In Santo Domingo I found the job I wanted in one of the best private clinics in the capital. I soon made new friends. I lived in the house of a known lady who rented me a room. It was located near the Malecón, a beautiful promenade lined by beautiful palm trees by the sea.
I began to be more animated and hopeful for a better future.
Shortly after starting my work in the clinic, I had an encounter with Christian believers for the first time in my life. The lady had been hospitalized to give birth to her first child, I cared for her during her stay there. Later we would be good friends.
Soon they told me about God, about the Bible, they invited me to a Bible study at their home and from there to a religious service at church. Attending a Protestant service was a very appetizing new experience that I did not intend to miss, come on, it was a challenge to my traditional Catholicism that was becoming irresistible.
Sin Conviction
The Saturday before the Sunday scheduled to go to church with my new friends, I went out for fun with another friend, a divorced American doctor who was spending time on the island. We went to dinner, to dance, to mess up as usual. My conscience told me not to go, that I was not right with that man and put myself in danger, but rebellious and stubborn as usual, unable to overcome the attractive prospect of a happy afternoon, I went out ready to have the best possible time.
After midnight, when we were crossing a street, I heard the strident crowing of a rooster. Suddenly, I felt as if a knife had pierced my heart. I immediately remembered when Peter denied our Lord Jesus Christ and the rooster crowed… I couldn't go on.
I left the "friend" standing there and ran away crying bitterly, not knowing where I was, just looking through the stream of tears towards that wonderful starry sky crying out to God for forgiveness and mercy. From the depths of my being I screamed and cried pleading, “Save me Lord, save me, I can't do it. I am asked without You, I alone cannot do it. Please save me!"
In an instant I could see the futility of my efforts since I could remember, to be better, to please him, to achieve the salvation so desired. He had reached that "nothing", to the painful experience of his own uselessness, to the point where sin shows itself as it is, with the horrendous ugliness and slavery that it entails, chained to a life of defeat, of falsehood and hypocrisy.
Without knowing it, the Holy Spirit had begun his work giving me a humble and painful conviction of sin, of my condition.
I was lost in the total sense of the word, lost in a city I did not know, lost in the night of my life, in that tropical night. Far from my country, far from family, far from "friends", alone in indescribable solitude, when "good works" do not count, nor habits, nor prayers, nor bell ringing, nor sacrifices, nor liturgies can cover with the slightest garment of justice ... and there, thus, in that way, is when the arms of the Eternal reach you, cleanse you through the blood of the One who takes away the sin of the world, dresses you with the mantle of justice, His, because all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags. (Isaiah 64: 6)
At that moment, without confession to men, but only to God, I reached forgiveness and help for the opportune relief.
Calmer, with a peaceful soul, I was able to find a taxi and return to the apartment. I could hardly sleep waiting for the moment of rh in a few hours that evangelical church.
My Christian friends came to pick me up at the appointed time and we soon arrived at the Christian Baptist Church which had recently been established there by an American missionary pastor, Pablo Joles.
The Service took place in the living room of his house. When we walked in, they were teaching Sunday School about the Holy Spirit. This morning was for me the continuation of what the Lord had begun to do in my life the night before. The "egg" that the creature contained in prison began to tear through the pain of repentance, now, the new birth was going to take place before the touch of Grace from the Savior.
Now I began to "see" to "understand" what was previously covered by a "veil" (2 Cor. 3: 14-17). Christ through his Word, "revealed" to me the plan of salvation:
That we are all sinners. (Rom. 3:23, 10, 12; Psalm 14)
That the wages of sin is death. (Rom. 6:23)
That after death there is a judgment (Heb. 9:27), but that Christ paid our debt. (Rom. 5: 8, Jn. 3:16, Jn. 5:24)
That we are saved by His grace alone (Eph. 2: 8-9) and only through faith (Rom. 1:17) and only through the knowledge of His Word. (Rom. 10:17)
The moment I understood these truths, I sincerely asked for his forgiveness and begged him to come into my heart as my personal Savior, and right there, just as he was, as he was, He hatched, the new birth took place ... someone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, they are all made new. And everything that comes from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ ”. (I Cor. 5:17) This occurred on October 25, 1981.
How wonderful is the grace of God that in His mercy offers it to all who believe in Him for Salvation! Amazing grace that brought me out of the darkness to light, from sin that is death, to the life that is only possible in Him, from being blind and lost, to being able to see and rest in Him. Grace that goes out to meet and rescue of the lost sheep, of the prodigal son who seeks forgiveness in the arms of the Father who receives him with unconditional love.
How to express what happened that morning? Get out of sorrow and despair to the joy of peace. A river of tears ran from my eyes just like the eyes of the sinful woman of the Gospel, and like her, I fell at the feet of Jesus in complete surrender. Like the woman at the well, my thirst was quenched by Jesus with the living water of His Word that cleanses and restores at the same time.
I knew that this was the “new birth” that gave me life in Him and the freedom that I had never known before. (John 8:38)
The statement made on the cross by Christ of "All is finished" in John 19:30, he could now understand in its full meaning. No more sacrifices are necessary. Christ is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. He paid the ransom, suffered in Himself the condemnation that we deserve and once the sacrifice was consummated, He rose gloriously and is now seated at the right hand of the Father. He is the High Priest and at the same time our only Intercessor, the Atonement (the full payment for our sins). There was only one sacrifice and once for all. (Heb. 9:25, 26, 28; 10:10, 12 & I Pet. 3:18)
What, then, is the setup and need for the Masses that I learned as a child are the repetition of Christ's bloodless sacrifice on the cross? How is it bloodless if the Word teaches that without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sins? (Heb. 9:22)
Why the intercession of the Virgin Mary and the saints if the Word teaches that there is only one mediator between God and man, Jesus Christ? (I Timothy 2: 5)
The veil was removed from my eyes and I could know with all certainty that I was accepted and saved by Christ and that my eternal salvation was assured according to his promises.
(Jn. 5:24) Yes, this was really the Christ that he had always wanted to know, love and serve, the God of the Bible who saves through his redeeming blood shed, once and for all; the Christ who does not need the help or complement of sacraments, personal works, priest or saints to intercede for me. He gives the gift of salvation through his Grace, sufficient and total, to the one who places their faith in him.
I began to take the first steps in my new Christian life; An insatiable hunger to know his Word led me to the systematic study of the Bible, I received baptism by immersion in obedience to the command of Christ and as a public testimony of the new change that took place in my life, on December 27, 1981 and on the occasion of this Baptism I gave the first public testimony about my personal encounter with Christ and His saving Grace.
Soon I wrote a letter to the priest who helped me out of the convent. I wanted to share with him the indescribable joy of this “new birth” and all the discoveries that he was making as he studied the Bible.
All of this was clear evidence that he now belonged and followed Christ and not a religion.
The Living Water
One of the best advice that I have received since my conversion came from the pastor-missionary who witnessed my profession of faith. “Read your Bible and meditate on it every day, willingly and unwillingly, because only through the Word of God can you find everything you need to persevere and grow in the Lord no matter what happens. People, health, well-being, etc., may fail you, but God and his mercy never ”.
I faithfully followed the advice without much effort because I was truly captivated by the Word of God with an insatiable thirst to know more and more about the origin, basis and substance of the Faith and the only Author of it.
In this way I got closer and got to know God more, discovering his will for my life. Today, I can say, thank God, I have read the entire Bible at least once a year since 1983, so today they add up to about eighteen times, and I cannot put into words the kind of wonderful blessing that I constantly have. I receive through this joyous discipline.
This burning desire for the Word of God led me to study at the Quisqueyano Biblical Institute in the city of Santo Domingo. It had been founded by another American missionary pastor, the Rev. Larry Dawson. There it was possible for me to continue with a systematic study of the Holy Bible for three years, enjoying the privilege of being one more student in a healthy and joyful student life, learning about the Word, its principles and doctrines.
We could go straight to the pure source of Christianity without doctrinal adulterations or added traditions. What years of intense learning and continual spiritual feast!
As I was training more and more in the Scriptures of my life, regulating, ordering, I enjoyed a peace and spiritual joy that not even in the Convent had I been able to achieve. Emotionally he was acquiring a stability that he had never had before. It is not that there were no lack of occasions and temptations in which sometimes I fell immature and weak, but I no longer stayed there. Now I quickly confessed my sin to the Lord, now I knew and experienced that I had the only valid Mediator, the only Propitiation for my sins, and once restored by His Grace and Mercy I would go to battle again. The true Christian is not the one who never sins, but the one who sincerely repents, turns away from the occasion, and gets up relying on the Mercy of his Savior.
In my past life both in the convent and outside the convent I wanted to do everything. I wanted to be better, to sacrifice myself to extremes at times in order to please God and deserve forgiveness, I wanted to save myself through my good behavior or special works to deserve heaven, forgiveness, the salvation of other souls, to decrease the period of purification in "Purgatory".
Now I knew from the Bible, that Purgatory does not exist, that Christ has already paid everything for me, for all of us, that He does not need our "redemptive" help to save anyone, He did it and He did it with a complete sacrifice and perfect once and for all. Now he knew that the good works we must engage in are not to deserve or get anything, but to obey and please him as he teaches us, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared in advance so that let us walk in them ”. (Eph. 2:10)
What a joyous discovery and reassuring reality!
At the Service of the Lord
In the second year of my studies at the Biblical Institute I knew and understood that I had to dedicate myself totally to the service of the Lord. The disciple of Christ must, without a doubt, obey the command of the Master, “ Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit; teaching them to keep all the things I have commanded you ”. (Matthew 29: 19-20)
When I finished my studies at the Quisqueyano Biblical Institute and received the “Evangelical Worker” diploma, I looked for the Will of God to see in which area I could dedicate myself to my new job and where.
I visited my parents in Spain in the summer of 1985, fully prepared for the possibility of staying in Spain to take care of my elderly parents and at the same time collaborate with missionary work in my country.
When my family deemed it unnecessary for me to remain in the care of my parents, I returned to Santo Domingo and decided to start with something that I had been wanting for a long time. This was to open the doors of my heart and my home to orphaned or abandoned children who were so abundant on that island. With the approval of the local church I attended represented by the pastor brother and deacons, I began this ministry with the special help of a volunteer group of brothers who also went
To officially constitute a Board of Directors.
The children began to arrive at my house just as the Providence of God was sending them. To our surprise, we took in several babies, with a difference of months, others a year or two, others four years until one of the last, was a newborn, one day old.
When some were scared that I had started this ministry being alone, single, without money, without any property and with so many difficulties around, I could only defend myself by grasping the Scripture, “as if seeing the Invisible One” and affirming myself in what the apostle Paul He said, "because I know whom I have believed" (2 Timothy 1:12)
Supported by the members of the Board, I wrote a letter to the President of the Government, Exmo. Mr. Joaquín Balaguer, requesting land for the construction of our children's house, a request that they generously granted us, and that with the help of different donations from people from Santo Domingo and churches from Puerto Rico and the USA we were able to raise little Little by little and not without great problems the little house that our little ones would later occupy, a visible monument of love, providence and mercy of the One who is "Father of orphans" as the Psalmist says, "God makes the homeless live as a family ..." ( Psalm 68: 5-6)
The same God who saved and redeemed me continued to intervene in my life and made me overcome very serious problems in so many years of loneliness and struggle. He taught me in his own experience that his love never fails even when others fail, that he covers me with his mantle of justice and mercy when I fall and come to him in repentance and faith. That His Providence exceeds all our expectations.
It was a very important time in my spiritual life of victories and falls and of maturing in the knowledge and service of our Lord. To Him be the glory entirely.
He is faithful
To finish, I am going to include another chapter in this testimony that I want to share with my readers because perhaps it can help someone to better understand how the Lord works for our good in all the details of life.
Sometimes, when the religious person in Catholicism leaves "the cloister life" or "the consecrated life" like them, and returns "to the world", and marries, in the religious atmosphere it is often taken as an offense, as if leaving this religious life were only for sexual reasons or problems in that area. What a sick and wrong idea! This way of thinking or judging denotes a profound ignorance of what the Word of God really teaches.
Since I was little I was taught to teach about the wonder and privileges of celibacy, pretending that this way of life for the love of God exceeds marriage in honor and virtue. After my conversion to Christ in light of the Scriptures, I learned how wrong and false this teaching about celibacy is, no matter how much they want to sublimate it.
Holy Scripture from its beginning in the book of Genesis, teaches how God, when creating all things, saw that all were good. Also when He created man in His image, according to His likeness, He also said "that it was very good." (Gen. 1: 3)
But the first time that God expresses that something is not good was when he saw Adam alone, “and God said: It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him ”. (Gen. 2:18)
Throughout the Old Testament we see that marriage was the normal state for men and women, indeed, it is a sign of maturity, honor and privilege. In the New Testament, the apostle Paul, in his first letter to Timothy, speaking about the signs of apostasy points to those who are going to forbid marriage (I Tim. 4: 1-5) and enumerating the qualities or qualifications for holding the office of bishop, Paul assumes that the candidate must be married. (I Tim. 3: 2) We know from history that celibacy has its origin in the practice followed by pagan priests who ministered to idols.
Years before entering the Convent, I made the decision that I was not going to want to get married, since I only wanted to be for the Lord. I even broke my friendship and relationship with a good boy whom I could call "my boyfriend" for fear of loving God less, which was what I most wanted. I was taught that I could have a “cleaner” life and more dedicated to the service of the Lord if I remained single and enrolled in religious life.
All this, although it sounds very correct, spiritual, as an exquisite sacrifice etc., it is nothing more than a false teaching contrary to the Scriptures. No man or institution has the right to demand celibacy from anyone who wishes to serve God in whatever way or in whatever life. Almost all the exemplary men and women that the Bible presents to us were married.
If someone decides not to marry it must be by a free choice, not by someone's imposition or by any rule or state.
There have always been exceptions, for example, that of the Prophet Jeremiah, commissioned by God himself to remain single based on the special ministry that he had entrusted to him, but not by mandate of men or institutions. We see in Matthew 19: 11-12, how Jesus declares that this decision to remain celibate or a virgin is made personally under a special calling.
From the time of my conversion, I prayed to the Lord to provide me with a good Christian husband who would be my friend and protector in this new Christian life that I was undertaking, since I had experienced the danger and difficulties of a single woman.
He reasoned the following: now that I really belong to God's family and I am "His daughter" and the desire and need to have a husband continues in me, and the Bible teaches me that this is normal and convenient, The Lord is Mighty to provide for me One or not, would remove this desire from me, because he is a Father and loves us and does not want to torture us just like that, but as Romans 8:28 says, “and we know that those who love God, all things help to well…"
And I was really going to need the help of an Almighty God to satisfy this desire of my heart and this need in my life. The life of a single woman is neither safe nor easy, especially when this woman meets almost all the conditions to be rejected. I explain:
Away from the family, in a foreign country, without the protection of a church or some missionary organization. Without money or property, what I lived with and had was pure charity obtained for my children, with the responsibility of eleven little ones! A strong character, a way of speaking like a machine gun, fast and cutting, red hair and past forty ... Who in a good state of mind and humor would want to be my husband in such circumstances? It seemed like a lost cause, insane, humanly speaking (come on, I say).
But since our Lord is faithful, loving Father and God of the impossible, He showed me once again that He is in control and that everything is possible for those who believe.
From four thousand miles apart, He provided, prepared, and sent "that man" that He had in store for me.
One fine day in January 1990 I received a letter from a stranger whose name was "Fred Zwirner" in the return address of the envelope. I opened it curiously thinking that some unknown American was sending me a donation for my children. What would not be my surprise to the rh reading in a broken Spanish, with paragraphs in English, neither more nor less,
that I had heard about me from some missionaries who visited Santo Domingo recently and who returned to their country (USA) had given a report about their missionary trip and that among other things, they had commented about our ministry with children and that it was alone etc. He had seen our photos and ... had felt a strong desire to write.
birme. This man had been a widower for five years and worked for the federal government at FAA.
I did not get out of my astonishment and I must confess that from the first moment I knew that this one for whom I was the "special shipment" for so many years had prayed and waited. We exchanged some letters, photos, phone calls. The interest and the illusion were growing, also the love. Three months later he came to visit me in Santo Domingo. What excitement and nervousness! I remember my first words to him when we met at the airport and he gave me a warm hug. Staring into his eyes and smiling from ear to ear, I said, "Welcome to my life," (previously rehearsed in good English). In those days of mutual company when we were able to talk and treat each other more closely, it was confirmed that we really loved each other and that we were interested in each other.
Yet another confirmation of what God had already "arranged" for us.
There he officially asked me to marry him on April 18 and we broke the news to our family and friends who could not believe that finally, this really happened. In the month of June of the same year, I left for the United States and we met in Portland, Oregon, and two days later, our wedding took place in Corvallis, close to where I lived, on June 22, 1990.
What a joy, what a blessing!
Without being able to leave the USA, waiting for my resident card, some families of my children went to look for their children, others were admitted to another orphanage in the capital and I was only able to adopt and legally bring with me two of them, the girl Galit, who I had cared since one day of birth and Moses was four months old when I took him.
It was very painful to separate myself from the rest, for many reasons, but once again I thank the Lord for the time He used us to care for them according to His providential purpose.
Now, in this new stage as a married woman, my wife is the closest manifestation of God's love, she is the protective defense, she is the guide, the spiritual leader, the expression of His tender and merciful love. Through this union, He has made possible a tremendous change in my life, filling it with an abundance of joy, security and indescribable peace.
It is for this reason that I wanted to include this more personal part in a testimony that is supposed to be brief.
Perhaps some of my readers can find some comfort and encouragement through these written lines not so that they fix their attention on me, but on the One who "works in us both to will and to do out of his good will ..." (Philip. 2 : 3. Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God, how unfathomable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out! (Rom. 11:33)
Only in obedience to the Word of God in all his counsel can we find the Rock, stability, strength and joy in our Christian living as real disciples of Christ. Not only in this life but also in the next, we praise him and will praise him with his angels and others sanctified for all eternity. He is true to his promises.
(Jn. 3:16, 5:24) I close this testimony by appropriating in humility and respect the apostle Paul's statement made in Romans 1: 16-17:
“Because I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes; the Jew first, and also the Greek. Because in the gospel the justice of God is revealed by faith and for faith, as it is written: But the just shall live by faith ”.
[Source: https://bereanbeacon.org/es/la-mujer-en-el-poso/]
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