In Poland, the country where I was born, more than 92% of the population belongs at least formally to the Roman Catholic Church - as did the family in which I was born in 1899. At the age of seven, I entered primary school. In addition to the usual subjects, I also did religion with a priest. He taught us some stories from the Old and New Testaments and many paragraphs from the Catechism. At that time, two small desires began to take hold of my heart: to draw closer to Jesus and to gain a greater knowledge of God. It was as if I had heard the Lord's call in my heart, even though at that time I had not yet understood that God was in fact the One who had put this desire in my heart. Besides, I had no idea how to answer this call, let alone the fact that I did not know how to listen to Him. I could not seek guidance in God's Word in this regard, for I did not possess a Bible. Neither children nor adults were encouraged to purchase a Bible. On the contrary, the above clergy thought that reading the Bible was dangerous, as the Bible contained statements that had already led to various heresies. Only the Church can appreciate and know how to choose from the Bible something suitable so that it can be read on the pulpit Sunday. Every Sunday, our teachers accompanied us to the nearby church to hold the liturgy, of which, however, we did not understand a word, for it was in Latin. And so my heart was hungry and thirsty for many years after God and His truth. the above clergy were of the opinion that reading the Bible was dangerous, as the Bible contained statements that had already led to various heresies. Only the Church can appreciate and know how to choose from the Bible something suitable so that it can be read on the pulpit Sunday. Every Sunday, our teachers accompanied us to the nearby church to hold the liturgy, from which, however, we did not understand a word, because it was in Latin. And so my heart was hungry and thirsty for many years after God and His truth. the above clergy were of the opinion that reading the Bible was dangerous, as the Bible contained statements that had already led to various heresies. Only the Church can appreciate and know how to choose from the Bible something suitable so that it can be read on the pulpit Sunday. Every Sunday, our teachers accompanied us to the nearby church to hold the liturgy, of which, however, we did not understand a word, for it was in Latin. And so my heart was hungry and thirsty for many years after God and His truth. our teachers accompanied us to the nearby church to hold the liturgy, from which, however, we did not understand a word, for it was in Latin. And so my heart was hungry and thirsty for many more years after God and His truth. our teachers accompanied us to the nearby church to hold the liturgy, from which, however, we did not understand a word, for it was in Latin. And so my heart was hungry and thirsty for many years after God and His truth.
During the primary school years, there is at least one opportunity for Roman Catholic children to draw near to Jesus. This is the festive moment of their first communion. Unfortunately, this holiday has become a great disappointment for me. For what reason? Well, before 8-9 year olds can come to the first communion, they have to make their first confession. In order to be able to confess their sins correctly, they are carefully prepared. In our country, the preparation for the first confession and the first communion lasted six whole months, yet the priest did not try during this interval to fill our young hearts with trust and love for Jesus, rather, he endeavored to inspire us with fear and dread by reminding us how important it was for us to confess to the priest all our "mortal sins." If we were to forget even one of them, we would be doomed to hell forever. From the point of view of the Roman Catholic teaching on confession, this may be correct, yet it was - and is - something terrible to impose on sensitive souls of children such a cruel teaching that is able to break their hearts and darken their whole lives.
The teaching we were given then did not have the effect of enjoying the long-awaited encounter with Jesus, but of focusing exclusively on the difficult task of remembering all our sins and finding out which of them could be framed as “mortal sin. ", Because we were in no way allowed to forget them. The fear of eternal damnation if we did not continually confess all our sins weighed heavily on our hearts. Some children asked their parents to remind them of their sins, others spent hours making endlessly long lists of their mistakes so that they could learn them by heart. However, he remained afraid that in the decisive moment of confession something might be forgotten. And in this way some took with them to church the list of sins, which is forbidden,
Deep rooted fear
Many have not escaped this fear all their lives. It weakened and paralyzed their will, until they were completely enslaved under the spiritual dictatorship of their Church and its clergy.
This fear was enough to make these people later listen, even against their conscience, only to the Church, not to take part in "sectarian" assemblies in which the pure gospel was preached, and not even to have in it. ever seen the exit from the Church. For all these crimes he was threatened with excommunication and with it the sure condemnation for all eternity. In any case, this fear was enough to completely destroy many child's hearts, and to make some physically ill for life. I saw several victims of this religious terror, and they shook me to the core.
How can I serve the Lord?
After finishing primary school and high school, we had to choose the right profession. I kept hearing what the Lord was calling me to follow Him, and I always felt in my heart the desire to teach Him my whole life. But how could I achieve this?
I had always been taught in this sense that the only way to God led to the only true Church, the Roman Catholic Church. Therefore, I saw no other way to follow His call than to become a priest of this one true church. All other denominations were considered false, heretical, antichrist, and I strongly believed that this was the case. My decision was firm, so I enrolled in the Faculty of Theology at the University of Lwow.
Full of zeal in seeking God
As students of theology we had to live in the boarding school of the seminary of priests. It looked very much like a monastery, perched on a hill, surrounded by high walls; the cells were small and the corridors long. At first I was very happy there. Everything was completely different from the outside world and seemed to be done to soon conclude a personal relationship with God and our Savior. Now we have devoted our lives mainly to two things: personal piety and the study of theology. Both seemed perfectly prepared to bring me to personal communion with God through His Son Jesus Christ. Consequently, I followed with all the zeal and full strength of a young man all the recommendations and prescriptions of the Church for personal piety. We take part in one or two liturgies a day, I went to communion every morning and to confession once a week. I did my meditations, readings and prayers with the greatest care, I attended the evening religious services, I did my rosaries and litany. I read many books about the lives of the "saints" and sincerely tried to follow their example. I was soon considered one of the most zealous students in the seminary.
But all my efforts and "merits" did not bring me closer to my Savior. This was a disappointing experience for me, yet I was not the first to fail in this way: The apostle Paul tried before his conversion, when he was a dedicated Pharisee, to establish a righteousness [conforming to the divine standard] of his own, in that he sought, by his efforts, to fulfill all the regulations prescribed by law exactly as the rabbis had taught him. But this did not lead to his communion with God, and one day he had to confess his failure (read chapter 3 of the Philippians). I too have failed in the path of religious zeal.
Wonderful divine services
As so-called clerics, theology students were to be present at the long but wonderful liturgies held in the city's cathedral. The archbishop or bishop conducting the ceremony was surrounded by many clerics in silver and gold robes, adorned with glittering precious stones. The altar was adorned with splendid flowers and shone with a multitude of candles and electric lights, the incense gave off a pleasant fragrant scent, the thoughtful and exact movements of the clergy celebrating the liturgy and the Gregorian chants of the Middle Ages produced such a mystical atmosphere. simple souls the church looked like an antechamber of heaven. However, I gradually found that these beautiful, uplifting ceremonies were just facades behind which the Spirit of God was not. Sometimes I was horrified to see how disrespectfully the priests performed their duties. It wasn't hard to see that they themselves didn't believe what they were doing. Even the high-ranking clergy whispered in each other's ears during these solemn cathedral liturgies and told jokes. They also had fun at the expense of the sacred duties they had to perform. Sometimes the rhythm in which they performed their ritual was reminiscent of that of officials who folded the last papers so that they could leave the office as quickly as possible. How many times did he remind me of the bitterness that the Lord had put in His prophet's mouth: Even the high-ranking clergy whispered in each other's ears during these solemn cathedral liturgies and told jokes. They also had fun at the expense of the sacred duties they had to perform. Sometimes the rhythm in which they performed their ritual was reminiscent of that of officials who folded the last papers so that they could leave the office as quickly as possible. How many times did he remind me of the bitterness that the Lord had put in the mouth of His prophet: Even the high-ranking clergy whispered in each other's ears during these solemn cathedral liturgies and told jokes. They also had fun at the expense of the sacred duties they had to perform. Sometimes the rhythm in which they performed their ritual was reminiscent of that of officials who folded the last of the papers so that they could leave the office as quickly as possible. How many times did he remind me of the bitterness that the Lord had put in His prophet's mouth:"For this people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me, and their fear of me is only a learned human commandment " (Isaiah 29:13). . I shuddered at the thought that one day I too might become one of those whom our great Polish poet A. Miekiewiez described in the words, "Without heart and without spirit, behold, the people of the dead skeletons."
The Bible with church annotations
Theology is defined as "the science of God," and in order to learn this science, we listened to the lectures of the best professors at the University there — who were also priests. In connection with studies of the Old and New Testaments, we began to read and study the Bible there for the first time in our lives. Certain biblical passages were provided by our teachers with additional commentaries, and the Bible we were working with was an edition recognized by the Church and provided on almost every page with annotations, that is, with official explanations of the Church. Without these "annotations" it was forbidden to read the Word of God, because no one was allowed to understand the Bible other than the dogma of the Roman Catholic Church.
The first doubts
And so some doubts arose in me, and I came to the conclusion that something was wrong somewhere. Through a study of official church teachings, the so-called "dogmas," I tried to come up with a solution. What was I supposed to find out by doing this? Some dogmas were not based on God's Word at all, others even totally contradicted it. Something seemed completely wrong here. However, what and where? Those doubts burdened my conscience, and so I went to "our spiritual father," a priest whose mission was to guide and counsel our spiritual needs. After listening carefully to what I had to say, he answered me as follows: “You only know that there can be nothing wrong with the teachings of our Church, for this Church is the only true Church of Jesus Christ on this earth.
So if something is wrong, then only in your conscience, which, because you are still young, revolts against the authority of the Church. This kind of spiritual temptation is typical of young theology students. ” And so he advised me not to worry or try to find a solution to my doubts, but rather to simply forget them.
Insecurity before ordination
Following his advice, I honestly tried to stifle or forget my doubts. I often struggled with the voice of my conscience, which kept reminding me that something was wrong here. This spiritual struggle lasted throughout my theological studies, until the day I passed all the examinations required for ordination. Now I had to make an extremely difficult decision, because I still had doubts and felt that something was wrong, and so I did not know whether to agree to the ordination as a priest or rather to retire. However, because I did not want to give in to my own feelings, I looked for one of the most faithful and experienced priests in the city. I told him my step and asked him what to do. His response sounded as follows: “There is really no reason to abstain from ordination. Everyone has doubts about the teachings of the Church from time to time, but as long as you fight them and try to get rid of them, doubts are no longer a sin. And, in addition, immediately after the ordination, the bishop will distribute you and your colleagues in the parishes where you will have so much work that in the future you will not have time to think about your doubts. This advice reassured me, and so I was ordained a priest.
The simple faith of the common people
After about fourteen days, the archbishop's office assigned me to my first job as an assistant priest in a small town in southeastern Poland.
The priest who ran the parish considered me too young and inexperienced to work in the city, and therefore entrusted me with the spiritual counseling of the rural population of some twelve villages belonging to the same parish. Those poor peasants were not well trained; they had a simple soul, were devoted to their Church, and ready to do anything to secure eternal salvation.
I was often compassionate for them and their children, for they sincerely believed everything the priests told them. These were considered the representatives of Christ, mediators between God and men, and this brought them the greatest respect. It was pathetic and shocking to see how the priests tried to get capital out of their position: They were not content to teach those human souls the most varied variants of superstitions in the Middle Ages and enslave them with fear of hell, but they also a material gain from their credulity.
I learn from Jesus
Surely this is not how Jesus dealt with the crowds that came to Him. He encouraged me to follow His example and filled my heart with pity for these people who were
"Exhausted and neglected like sheep without a shepherd" (Matthew 9:36) and ruled by shepherds. The example of the Good Shepherd aroused in me a great enthusiasm for this work, and I resolved that in teaching and preaching I should remain as close as possible to the gospel, to the work of God. Somehow I knew: Wherever the mistake was, in any case it was not in His gospel. The example of the Lord Jesus also showed me how I could not frighten or frighten anyone. Especially to the children who came to religious classes, I painted before their eyes Jesus as their dear Shepherd, of whom he had nothing to be afraid, according to His words:
"Let the children come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God" (Luke 18: 16b).
Send you light and truth
Sometimes it seemed to me that I had really brought these simple souls that had been entrusted to me closer to the Savior while I was still far from Him. I was on the wrong path and I could not see the true path that would lead me to God. There was only one thing I could do: pray. When there was no one in the church in the afternoon, or when late in the evening only the moonlight passed through the stained-glass windows and gently drove away the darkness, I would shut myself up in the empty church and cry on my knees to the Lord, “O God, show me the way from darkness to You! Let me see what is wrong and what is right! ”
I prayed like that for years, but nothing seemed to happen. My spiritual struggle is still going on. However, sometimes the merciful Lord let me know that he had heard my prayers. From time to time he let a ray of light pierce the darkness of my soul and help me distinguish between right and wrong teaching. The right one was based on the hard rock of His own Word, while the wrong one was based on the shifting sands of human teachings and traditions. In this light of His we have sometimes seen that the whole church system is under God's judgment.
The following results are meant to serve as examples for those refreshing rays of light in my life.
What happened to this girl?
Once a poor peasant came to me with her 16-year-old daughter. She said to me through tears:
"Something happened to my daughter. She used to be a happy girl, but now she's talking about nothing but hell, and she says she's already doomed. " Since I had never heard anything like it before, I looked at the girl in amazement. She was very pale and had a lost look. Was she possessed? I asked her one or two questions, but she did not answer; Instead, he began to talk about hell with a strange smile. Fortunately, she did not live in the Middle Ages, for otherwise she may have been burned at the stake as a witch. Still, what was to be done? I asked her mother, "What do you think, when and how did this condition begin?" I would find out later why she did not respond immediately. She was afraid I would be mad at her. But when I insisted, telling him I couldn't help if I didn't know everything about it, he finally told me,
Excessively zealous missionaries
"A few months before you came to our parish," she told me, "a few monks came and did a great mission campaign in our church. For fourteen days the church was crowded in the morning and evening. They came not only from the city but also from distant villages to hear the messages of the missionaries. My daughter attended all these religious services and listened attentively to every sermon. However, the monks preached almost exclusively about hell, which was prepared for sinners. When they left, my daughter bought a missionary book from them and began reading in it every day. But this book is full of stories about eternal damnation and hell. "
She ended her sad story in tears. Now I knew what had happened. Her daughter was probably a very sincere person and aware of her sinfulness. However, then came these monks who must have seemed to him like saints in heaven and announced that sinners would go to hell. They described in all their colors the torments that awaited sinners there, so that the girl finally came to the conclusion that she, being a sinner, was already doomed to hell. The book, which was authorized by a bishop himself, confirmed this terrifying thought. What torments she must have gone through before this strange smile appeared and a mental illness made its way!
Burn the book
Here she stood - one of the many victims of the dreaded domination of the Church I represented and served. I felt like an accused found guilty of complicity in these cruelties, and I wanted to be able to do something to heal the wounds that had been inflicted on him by an Inquisition of a spiritual nature. I was so upset that I advised the woman without hesitation: “Go home with your daughter and burn that book first, so that only ashes remain of it, and the child can no longer read in she. Then go with her to the nearest psychiatric clinic and tell the doctors what you told me. They will probably keep it there for a while, and in the meantime we must pray for its restoration. " The two left, and I often prayed for this unfortunate girl.
Full recovery
It took months for this woman and her daughter to come to me again one day to thank me for the advice I had given. "I did exactly as you advised. Now my daughter has been discharged from the hospital as a healer. " The girl looked really healthy, her wandering gaze was gone. I talked to her and she gave me rational answers, without making any further statements about hell. However, her eyes still expressed great sadness, as if searching for the most important of all questions:
"Am I saved, or am I lost?" Oh, yes, this question is important to everyone - to this girl, to me, and to you. Not only her health but also her eternal life depended on the answer to this question. So I began to patiently explain to this poor soul that our Lord Jesus Christ did not come to condemn us to hell, even though we deserved it. "He came to save you, and therefore He gave Himself on the cross, shed His blood and died for you, that you might one day be with Him in heaven." And as I spoke thus, a smile full of joy, like a ray of sunshine, spread over her face, showing that she had placed all her trust in the Savior. The chains of the fear of hell, with which she had once been bound to monks, have fallen,
Confessors without rest
The Lord caused me to meet many precious and sensitive people who had been instilled in childhood with fear of eternal loss. They were men and women of exemplary character, with a sensitive conscience, and yet they had been driven all their lives back and forth by a sickening fear. They went every week, if not every day to confession, to spend hours confessing their sins and circumstances to the clergyman, but when they left the confession they were endlessly accompanied by many doubts and fears, for it was possible that, for some reason, he didn't confess everything or not properly, and then, if he had died suddenly, he would have gone to hell. Such people are a real scourge for confessors or clergy, and we were prepared during the special seminar for working with people who suffer from such "scruples." However, there seemed to be nothing that could satisfy these unhappy souls on the important issue of their salvation.
What happened to this boy?
The case of the girl who had been freed from fear when she trusted the Savior reminds me of a boy whose tragic end always stood before my eyes when I returned to my hometown to spend my vacation there. While staying with my parents, I had the sad opportunity to visit a close relative who had once been to the same elementary school as me. Every day we played after school with other children in a garden. He was about two years younger than me, had a pleasant character and studied very well. However, after the first confession and the previous time of preparation for it, it was completely changed. He no longer wanted to play with the other children, but rather looked for a secluded place in the garden where I could see him standing by the trunk of a tree and talking to himself in a low voice. His mother asked him from time to time, “Son, what's wrong with you? Why are you talking to yourself? ”But he gave no explanation.
Worse still: He didn't do well at school either. It is true that he was late to do his homework, but his thoughts were so frightened that he could not concentrate on homework. Fear had come to completely dominate him. He couldn't finish college. He tried to work in several places, but each time he was rejected after a short trial. "He doesn't care what he does," was the employer's motivation. So it was that he remained an adult in the care of his poor widowed mother.
Tragic end
Not even learned psychiatrists could cure him. The last time I saw him was shortly before the war. He was about 35 at the time. Night after night he refused to go to bed, but stood with the light on in the room and stared in horror at a fixed spot. Then came the war, and during the Nazi occupation of Poland, he and many others were taken to a concentration camp.
There he was forced to work under the strict supervision of German guards. His work was considered inadequate, and the camp leadership did not want to take into account the fact that he was paralyzed in fear. The cruel guards began beating him in such a way that they killed him within a few months. This was the tragic end of a happy boy who was the pride and hope of his parents, until his sensitive soul came under the frightful domination of Rome.
The Church or the Sons of the Church?
However, despite all those rays of light and experiences through which I understood the contradiction between the Roman Catholic system and the gospel of Jesus Christ, I still believed that the Roman Catholic Church was the only true Christian Church in the world and tried to attribute these tragic events to behavior. wrong of some clerics. Some of them were simple and overly zealous in overseeing the souls and consciences of their parishioners, were "more Catholic than the pope," and wanted to get good results by the wrong means, while others lost faith and gained. simply existence, exercising its spiritual function in a purely mechanical way. Sometimes I was horrified to realize that I could become one like the latter. However, the Lord did not let me fall into such a terrible abyss, even though he had a lot to do with my stubbornness. He continued to give me His wonderful rays of light and made me distinguish between right and wrong. Even though this situation lasted for years, some of these feelings were so obvious and important to me that they have remained vividly imprinted in my memory to this day.
On the road with the sacrament of the anointing
It was a damp day, typical of early spring, alternating rain and snow, and I had just returned to my room at the morning liturgy in the church when someone knocked on the door and entered the carriage visit. "Father, would you like to come and give the anointing to a man on his deathbed?" He asked me. "Of course, I will come with you immediately," I said, and went to church to take the sacraments and all the other things that were necessary in such a case. After a few minutes I was sitting in an awkward chair next to the visitor, walking in the carriage through the streets of the city. The visit rang with a bell, at the sound of which passers-by, in honor of the holy sacraments, knelt on the sidewalk and lowered their heads, as is customary in a predominantly Roman Catholic country.
First the confession, then the anointing
I soon came to a cottage on the outskirts of the city, and was led to an extremely poorly furnished room, which was so small that I had to bend over so as not to hit the ceiling. The people in the house were probably very poor. In the middle of the room was a large bed, and the "mattress" consisted of straw covered with a white sheet.
There lay the dying man. He was not very old, only about 46 years old, but he looked very weak, perhaps due to illness, poverty or hard work. I didn't know or have time to ask questions, because I immediately noticed that he didn't have much to live for. He was sitting on his back, his eyes were open, staring at the ceiling, and he was breathing hard.
I had to hurry and administer his sacraments before he died. So I immediately went to the sick man to prepare him for the last confession, for only after that could I give him the forgiveness of sins, the communion, and the anointing with holy oil. But I was soon interrupted, for his wife, leaning on the wall weeping, said to me:
"Excuse me, please, but I don't think he hears you, because he's already unconscious." Well, I thought, maybe the woman was wrong and that unconsciousness was actually very weak hearing. And so I began to shout in his ear, “Your priest is here! Try to remember the sins you committed and confess them! ”But he ignored me. He didn't even turn his face to me. It was obvious that he had completely lost his hearing.
No sign of conscience
His eyes, however, were wide open. Could he see me? I wanted to do everything to ensure through the sacrament of anointing the salvation of this soul about to leave this world, and I sat on the head of the bed where his feet were. I hoped that he would look down from the ceiling, see my black cassock, white shirt, and quarterback, and thus understand that this was his last chance to confess and receive the forgiveness of sins. I kept waiting, but he didn't look down at me. Apparently he had lost his sight, so he couldn't see anything.
That's when I tried to check his sense of touch. I took the small crucifix I always carried with me with the sacraments and pressed it lightly to his lips. I waited for him to kiss him and show that he knew what was going on around him, but he showed no reaction. All hope was shattered.
The solution of necessity does not solve the problem
Now I was sitting on the bed of this man in agony with all my priestly power and authority to save his soul and open the way to heaven, and yet I was unable to do so. Oh, yes, of course, I knew from the study of theology and from church teaching that I could administer to him the so-called "conditional forgiveness of sins." This would have been true without previous confession, provided that one sincerely regrets his sins before losing consciousness. However, what if this man did not repent before his sins? Well, theologians would say, then it would only be his fault, and if he were in a state of "mortal sin," then "forgiveness conditioned by sins" would not be valid and he would logically go to hell. But this is exactly what I wanted to prevent.
Peace from above
I was upset. Despite all the means the Church had given me to save a dying soul, I felt completely powerless. Even if I had used these means, they would have been insufficient and unsafe in this case. In the strait I looked once more at his yellowed, emaciated face, and then I noticed something strange: his lips were moving. Was he whispering something? And if so, what exactly? I didn't hear anything until I approached him and kept my ear to his lips.
Then I perceived an extremely faint whisper, which at first I did not understand. It was only when I focused all my attention that I finally understood his words: "Father, into your hands I entrust my spirit . " This is exactly what the Lord Jesus had said when He died, "that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). As he hung on the cross, he prayed with his last spirit in the hands of His loving Father, "Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit" (Luke 23:46). And this man in agony, who in the struggle with death had already lost the perception of the outside world, repeated with a slight whisper: "Father, into Your hands I entrust my spirit." And so he died.
Faith confirmed by life
The church, respectively the last communion and the anointing, failed, unable to save this man's soul. But the Lord gave me firm assurance at that moment that my conditional or unconditional forgiveness of sins was not necessary at all for the deceased. No matter how sinful he may have been before, he had been saved by the only true Priest and Savior, Jesus Christ. For his salvation he needed neither anointing nor communion; my priestly help was useless. His faith must have marked his hard life long ago and given him comfort and security during his illness, so that his faithful soul could break through the barrier of death and pray unceasingly, "Father, into thy hands."
Savior faith
This event was a real revelation to me, it was the most effective theology lesson of my life. At this man's deathbed, the Lord showed me that the salvation of a soul does not depend on any human effort, sacrament or teaching, but on the sacrifice made on the cross by the Lord Jesus Christ and our trust in Him, and through Him. in our Father in heaven. It was only after my conversion that I found this truth confirmed in Scripture, namely, both in the Old Testament ("but the righteous shall live by his faith," Habakkuk 2: 4) and in the New (" as it is written: the righteous will live by faith ", Romans 1:17). The revelation of this truth completely shook my faith in that Roman Catholic dogma which says that the effect of the sacraments of the church occurs automatically ("ex opere operato"). How joyful I am today that our salvation does not depend on our insecure actions, which sometimes may not even be regulation, but on the grace of our Father to whom He has made us part by the most precious sacrifice, namely, of His beloved Son. .
God is taking me through a difficult school
However, I was still clinging to "my only true Church," so in the end the Lord, in response to my incessant prayers to give me divine light, had to go through a difficult school. I became seriously ill with my kidneys. Despite the medical treatment, I was getting worse, until after a year and a half of illness I was referred to a specialist who informed me after a thorough consultation that the entire treatment until then had been completely wrong. To save my life, I had to undergo emergency surgery. When I arrived at the hospital, I had no idea how long and difficult the operation would be. After I woke up from the anesthesia, I was so weak that I could barely move for a few days and preferred to die.
What good is life?
When I meditated on the meaning of life, I felt that I had failed the whole line, as one huge mistake. I had failed to find my way to the Lord. I hated everything and saw death as the best solution. Since I was between life and death anyway, it seemed simple to die. The doctor considered my condition to be so critical that he came once during the night to see what I was doing. He thought I wouldn't get up in the morning. I became totally apathetic and refused to take the medication.
Do you want to get healthy?
I was still waiting for death, and with it the release of my torments, when one afternoon my relatives visited me, and one of them asked me, "Do you really pray for your healing?" When I denied it. they were astonished, and besought me to do it. I couldn't tell them I didn't want to be healthy, and when I saw how worried they were, and I was sorry for them, I promised to fulfill their wish. And my doctor was very upset when he heard that I was not taking my medication, and so I had to promise him that I would not leave them on the nightstand.
Ask, and it will be given to you
Against my will, I kept both my promises. But I asked the Lord to heal me only when He would bring a definitive turn in my life so that I could serve Him in the future only according to His will. This prayer was heard very soon. My condition improved with each passing day, so that the doctors were completely surprised. As they later revealed to me, they had no hope of healing. After a two-month stay in the hospital, I was discharged, and although I was still very weak, I started working again. I waited anxiously to see how the Lord would solve my spiritual problem and use me according to His will. The answer came about two years later, when my spiritual struggle had become almost unbearable.
Or, or
After all these years the Lord had sent me so many rays of light, he now led me into a situation where I could no longer avoid the decision. On the one hand, I could stay in the Roman Catholic Church where I was born and ordained a priest. If I were to do this, then I would continue to enjoy all the privileges a priest has, the high esteem of my people, the recognition of my superiors, and in addition the prospect of an extremely promising career in the church hierarchy. However, in this way I had to give up completely the faith and hope of ever finding God again.
On the other hand, I could leave this Church and renounce my priesthood — for both were touched by many heresies and were not based on the Word of God — and entrust myself to the care of God in every area of my life.
Fear of consequences
If you believe that we have immediately followed this new call of God, then you are wrong. I didn't do it! I just wasn't able to do it, because I was too weak and too scared. Try once to imagine what it means when you are indoctrinated from childhood that "outside this Church there is no salvation," that whoever leaves this Church goes to hell, and that the greatest torments in that place are reserved for excommunicated priests! A "fallen priest" is considered in a Roman Catholic country like Italy, Spain or Poland by relatives, friends and most not only as a traitor to the Church, but also to his own people, because a "true" Italian, Spanish or Polish is for them always a Roman Catholic.
So I had to expect contempt from society and rejection from all my former friends. And for that I did not have the necessary power. But at the same time, I was aware that it was the last chance the Lord had given me. However, I was not able to make that decision. And so the struggle in my conscience lasted another year. However, I was still able to do one thing: pray. "Lord, do something, for I am too weak! Strengthen my spirit! Help me! ”This is how I cried day and night from the bottom of my heart.
His grace wins
It was His grace that finally prevailed and gave me enough courage to follow His call without regard to all the suffering I was to suffer. I put my full trust in the Lord. And I've never regretted it since. He alone was the one who carried out my conversion, and therefore there is nothing on my part to boast about. I felt as if His eternal arms had lifted me up out of darkness into the wonderful freedom of God's children.
On the road with the Lord
And what happened after that? I have often been asked to testify of all that the Lord has done to bring me to Himself. It would take a whole book to tell of all the blessing, kindness, and endless care I have received from God since my conversion. Maybe one day I will start writing such a book in His honor. But I would now like to conclude this testimony by making it clear that all my spiritual distress, insecurity, and fears are completely gone, and that I am as happy with the Lord as I have ever been. I wish and pray that all those who are still in the same darkness in which I was will find the same happiness!
Roman Mazierski was born in 1899 in Poland and died in 1959. This testimony was published by the Evangelical Alliance in the late 1950s, when its author was still alive. In 1982 a new edition appeared at Mayflower Christian Books. We do not know whether Roman Mazierski wrote the book he alludes to above about God's mercies in his life.
(Translator: Olimpiu S. Cosma)
[Source: https://bereanbeacon.org/ro/o-lumina-rasare-in-polonia/]
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