Mariana I Found More Truth Than In The Church Itself

Former Carmelite nun

I always believed in a God of miracles. My birth was a miracle: My (Jewish) mother was run over in January 1979, when she was 8 months pregnant. In coma 4 she had a natural delivery, and I was born without a scratch. After 15 days my mother died.

My childhood was spent in serenity. My father treated my brother and me like royalty. In his search, he dedicated himself to Hinduism, to meditation. Without this being the truth of Christ, I rescue that I was raised in an atmosphere of peace ...

When I was 9 years old, my father got together with a Catholic woman, who had us baptized and I entered a religious school. I began to know about the name of Christ, Maria, I took communion. I was happy, I had no bad experiences, religiously speaking.

At the age of 15 I began to participate in Salesian, parochial youth movements. One day while praying, I realized what my birth had meant. So I said to myself: "you were born for something, you can't live your life just like that. You can't be like other girls. You have to give back to God that life he gave you . " I also thought that if my mother had lived, I might not have heard about the gospel. So it was that I decided to become a Carmelite nun considering that they were the most strict and observant, therefore the most dedicated. My spiritual Director took me to Carmel and when I was 17 I entered.

I want to clarify that I learned to seek God in silence and prayer. It wasn't tortuous, it was beautiful. I felt in glory, getting up to praise God. But now from a distance I realize that I was delighted too much in the habit, in the fence, in our voices of angels, in what people would say about us ( "so young, how brave!" ). I looked at the wide, bare cloisters ... well, I loved everything. I cried out to God to give me vocations ... that all the young women would find what I had found. Inside me I had a certain air of superiority that made me believe that I had been brave for Christ, that the world (call this also the parishes) did not know what God was and I did ... I knew how to pray, they no. And of course the married ones were second-rate Christians.

After three years and about to take my temporary vows ... something changed :

On one side I could see the palace in which we lived, inserted in the middle of a villa. This contradiction was very strong: "if I became a nun to be poor for Christ, what will these people who live around us think and who have to fight for their bread, that I receive from above (free)? testimony of life? " "Where is all that about Jesus the Messiah, who worked signs and wonders? Could it be that this was in his time?" I thought. "Maybe now there is no need ..."

He looked at our masses: only wealthy people went. One day, a poor man approached asking for a mattress and since helping him was not our vocation, they sent him to Caritas parish . But soon after a great businessman came to donate money for the convent and we all came out of our confinement to go to thank him. That's where my fight began. And I saw it confirmed with the word of Santiago: "if a rich man enters the assembly and a poor man enters and you tell him to stay behind, are you not being a respecter of persons?" (James 2: 1-4)

When I began to raise these questions with my Superior, she told me to speak to my Spiritual Director. He said that he did not want to attend to me because I arrogated to say when what he said was of the Holy Spirit and when it was not, and that was arrogance, so if I was on top of a pedestal he could not do anything for me (he said).

My inner struggle was so intense that I compared it to the Garden of Olives. Those who have thought to spend their days in the shadow of a convent and are suddenly shaken, know what I am talking about. Everything told me that the time was up. The words, the events. I didn't want to leave the convent, or did I. I know from my heart that all I wanted was the will of God. I was always drawn to courage in the things of God: Abraham, for example.

One night I was praying in my cell and I was crying until I was tired. I was afraid of being arrogant, of making mistakes, of staying, of going out, of not fulfilling God's will. I looked at the sky repeating FROM THE DEEP TO YOU I CRY LORD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And at that moment three stars lit up in the sky; first one, then another and finally the third. They went on and off. I received a lot of peace, I felt that the Trinity was with me, on my side.

Throughout my Christianity it was always clear to me that God's decisions were more important than men and that generally the power of the Church was the figure of a strict and blind Pharisee. And that always helped me not to fear what might be believed of me: that "I went out because I was fickle" (thought my Director), that "I was a rebellious and immature girl" ... or that simply "I had no vocation for that life " ...

Suddenly, after that night, that life didn't tell me anything. I looked at the cloisters, the songs, the ceremonies ... nothing. Everything that made me cringe before was nothing. I decided to write to a priest friend, who had been my faithful advisor, a man truly dedicated to the cause of the Kingdom, and my Director told me to do what this other man told me, (I wanted to make the decision in obedience to avoid the burden of having been me and my thoughts that made the decision).

When everything painted that I would stay and that it had only been vocational temptations, I remained disappointed. Quiet because I didn't have to go, but I kind of lacked fire ... I felt that if I stayed there I would be a mediocre little nun and not a fiery Christian! It should be noted that previously I was one of those who most harshly criticized the lack of observance in the Convent, it seemed to me that we were not faithful to the Rule of Our Holy Mother.

One of those morning, while I was thinking these things, the Father to whom I had written calls me and says: "You must get out of there as soon as possible. They are serious doubts, this is no small thing . " That same morning I left my ceramic work, the Mother told me to leave as soon as possible because they did not want to suffer, that "what a pity, maybe I would end up married ..." and "that I should not return for some time to the convent, it was very painful . " I put together some little things and that same afternoon, after 3 years of closure, I came to the world.

I was afraid of putting on pants, crossing the street, going to the bank. Besides, I wanted to continue being a nun, in a congregation that had the poor as a cause. So it was that I addressed various congregations. In the Missionaries of Charity I came across serving the poor but with the most religious, tough, oppressive spirit that I saw in my life. While I was cleaning the wounds of the sick I was happy !!!!!, but we entered the chapel to pray the Rosary in English, on our knees, rigidly, and my heart was terribly pressed. As peace is an indicator of God, I knew immediately that it was not for me, not because of the sacrifice but because of the spirit of oppression that felt there.

That is how I came across Foucauld's life and what made me fall in love the most was the idea of ​​being a Christian in the world. I who had considered myself more perfect for abandoning it (to the world), I realized little by little that the true battlefield and mission was to occupy the places that people occupy. In fact, Jesus said: "I DO NOT ASK YOU TO TAKE THEM OUT OF THE WORLD, BUT THAT YOU PRESERVE THEM FROM THE EVIL. THEY ARE IN THE WORLD BUT NOT BEING OF THE WORLD . " (John 17:15)

Perhaps someone who has lived a common life does not understand what I mean. But for those who have lived in a religious bubble it is difficult to insert themselves into reality: to work in a place with atheists, to study atheistic theories ... etc. But I found peace in this decision. That is how I entered the elementary school teachers and God made me succeed in a unique way. Atheist teachers came to tell me that there was something special about me, the best grades ... she gave me a job that I didn't look for, etc.

I began to attend charismatic prayer groups . Before they seemed a little solemn, noisy, little collected. Their songs too simple. They lack the beauty of the organ, I said. God was teaching me that the praise of a child who claps, jumps and shouts for joy is pleasing to Him, when it is from the heart. Everything previously solemn began to seem empty of God, no matter how beautiful it was. Because there was not a people behind that worshiped their Lord but a choir that was worried that the performance would go well.

I asked God to show me how to continue my life, he introduced me to my husband who even bears the same name as me today. We currently have a beautiful baby.

But my search is insatiable. I kept going to Mass, praying ... but something in me changed again . I was still unable to unite religion with the Gospel. I began to notice first that the priests complain of fatigue "from 3 Masses" (two of which last 40 minutes so as not to tire the people). When you want to talk to them, there is an answering machine permanently. Meanwhile, those who are not religious wake up at night to tend to their children, and although they are tired they have no one to do things for them ...

All prayer involves rest, unless you view Mass as work. Then, I would tell you, brother priest, that you have made the wrong profession.

I discovered that there were much more ardent Christians and genuine seekers of the Holy Spirit who were lay people. But the priests with whom I have lived often say that because they are priests they have the anointing of the Spirit. In other words, it is difficult for a lay person to be anointed even though in Scripture it is said that we are all priests, prophets and kings. They defend this, but in reality I would like to see how many priests accept that a married man is an apostle of Christ capable of working signs through Him.

Among many other doubts, for me the most serious was realizing that the Church is afraid of the power of Jesus and the real presence of the Spirit . You pray spontaneously ... a blind man sees ... and "they are strange things . " Didn't Jesus say ... «THESE ARE THE SIGNS THAT WILL ACCOMPANY THOSE WHO BELIEVE: THEY WILL SPEAK NEW LANGUAGES; THEY WILL THROW DEMONS IN MY NAME » ...? "(Mark 16:17)

Seeing all this, I apply to the Church what Jesus said so harshly: " You prefer to follow the tradition that you have transmitted yourself than to follow God's commands ... " (Matthew 15: 6b)

Understand:

- They prefer to believe in salvation through a cloth scapular than in which a Christian - even if he is not a priest - lays his hands in the name of the Lord Jesus and the sick person is healed.

- They prefer to worship a custody that claims to have Jesus, than to receive the power of the Spirit.

- They prefer to respect the hours of silence rather than to feed the hungry and clothe the naked.

- They prefer to fill their seminaries ( traveling sea and land to get a proselyte and do it 100 times worse ) than to believe that the laity have a place of dignity as ministers by receiving Jesus as Lord.

- They prefer to be officials of the religion and give figures of thousands of baptisms per years but not admit that of those baptized there are no converts to Jesus.

- They prefer to set up missionary groups that carry stamps and sacraments instead of changing, and redeeming lives with the real and living power of God.

- They prefer to believe in the miracle of a dead saint, than in the real and visible signs that Jesus of Nazareth works through those who are “separated” Christians.

- They attack separated Christians more than demonic works on television.

Some time ago I began to listen to the preaching of Guillermo Prein , an evangelical pastor, on the radio. There I said to myself: "BUT .... this man preaches with authority, not like the scribes !" With total mistrust, since they always taught me that evangelicals are a sect to fear, mad people freaked out, I decided to keep listening to find mistakes and stop listening. But brothers ... I found more truth than in the Church itself : Jesus, only Jesus of Nazareth.

One day, not finding food or rest in the Catholic Church, I entered an evangelical temple without thinking. Fearful ... she told me: "my Catholic brothers are going to excommunicate me ..."

Brothers.

What I saw?

What did i feel?

This:

- They welcomed me with a smile full of peace.

- EVERYONE smiles

- More than four hours passed and I wish this would never end!

- So the first communities DO exist?

- Was it true about brotherly love?

- It is my home!

- Here I am not afraid of being a heretic.

- Here there is a joyful people in the Lord, who have no shame.

- There are no long faces, there is no beguiling.

- And they believe in Jesus of Nazareth without additions

- God is in the midst of his people.

But I can't be an evangelical! How can I face my world that is essentially Catholic and say this?

And I understand that I would never convert to Evangelism. Because I don't want to convert to a Church. But I am convinced that I want to be a CHRISTIAN. And I have seen with my own eyes that those that Catholics call Protestants are only Christians, of those who mention the Acts of the Apostles. The Acts do not mention the enthronement of the mother of God, nor the priesthood, nor the convents, nor the vows, nor a monstrance, nor Bible courses. The Acts speak of a people that gathered in fraternal communion to worship God and how God worked wonders and signs in all the people .

My Catholic brothers, may Jesus not have to say about us:

THEY HAVE EYES AND DO NOT SEE

THEY HAVE EARS THAT THEY DO NOT HEAR

THEY ARE BLIND GUIDES LEADING OTHER BLIND

THEY FOLLOW TRADITIONS THAT THEY THEMSELVES HAVE TRANSMITTED

THEY PUT THE MOSQUITO AND SWALLOW THE CAMEL

THEY DO NOT WORSHIP GOD IN SPIRIT AND IN TRUTH

DO NOT ENTER OR LET ENTER.

Jesus said let's go and tell what we have seen and heard. That there is nothing hidden that should not be revealed. Other testimonies have clarified my faith. I intend that my humble experience only serve those whom God has intended to serve.

I love the one who looks for Jesus of Nazareth, only Him, whatever the Church.

TO HIM BE THE GLORY

Mariana

[Source: https://www.conocereislaverdad.org/testi_Mariana.htm]