My initial education
I was born in 1948 to a Catholic mother and a Baptist father. The rules of the Catholic Church regarding marriage required my father to agree to educate me as a Catholic, and he did. Due to the expenses they had, my parents did not send my brother and I to Catholic school, but to a public school. However, beginning in preschool, I faithfully attended catechism classes every week until I graduated from high school, the exception being only those rare times when I was ill or when I was unable to attend. Although I have heard some so-called “experts” argue against childhood memories, I can remember very clearly that, even at just five years old, I wanted to do the right thing and please God. I remember winning an exam and I was allowed to choose the prize that I wanted from several that were offered. Most were toys that any five-year-old would want to have, but none of them interested me and instead of those toys I chose a bottle of children's shampoo or rinse cream because I knew Mom would like it and I wanted to do something altruistic. There is no doubt that my childish desire to "serve God" stemmed from what I had been taught, for the Bible declares of the unregenerate"There is no fear of God before their eyes" [1] . And "All of us have gone astray like sheep, each one has turned to his own way, but Jehovah has borne the sin of us all." [2] Until a person is regenerated, he has no desire to please God, but actually hates God. These are strong words, but the Bible declares “The world cannot hate you; but he hates me, because I testify of him that his works are evil. ” [3]
My parents left their respective home in Ohio and moved to California shortly after I was born. My grandparents on my father's side, who were initially Congregationalists and later Baptists, also moved, but all my other Catholic relatives stayed there and therefore did not exert much influence on me. When I was a child, I stayed with my grandparents for a week or two in the summer. And since I was too young to go to church by myself, they were the ones who took me. I remember not understanding what the preacher was saying and would usually sit and draw pictures until the service was over. Later, when I was older, they would take me to the nearest Catholic church and leave me there for Sunday mass and pick me up when I finished. I remember that they read the Bible every Sunday without fail. They also encouraged me to read it together with them, even though they knew that I did not understand what was being read. But what that did was to make a strong impression on me because I could see how important reading the Bible was to them. Through their example, they were applying the biblical principle that says:" Instruct the child in his way, And even when he is old he will not depart from it . " [4]
There was something else that made a deep impression on me. A sign hung on the wall of the dining room that I remember very well from my earliest memories until they died. The sign said: "Only one life and very soon it will pass, only what you do for Christ will last." And under that sign was another inscription that said: "Your life is hidden with Christ in God . " [5] That was a silent witness that I will never forget.
Secondary school
When I was old enough to go to high school, I was invited to join the school club, but I was very disappointed to find that this was forbidden by the monsignor of our church. He said that this club was connected to the YMCA, a Protestant organization and that Catholics were prohibited from having anything to do with Protestant churches or organizations under penalty of being under sin. It is not surprising then, that I had never heard the gospel, since all possible avenues to hear it were blocked. Even as an adult, no one ever mentioned anything to me about it and I had no idea that something was wrong with the teachings of the Catholic Church. That was all I knew and it seemed right to me. But the bible says“There is a way that seems right to man; But its end is the way of death ”. [6] Now I look back and I can see how enslaved the Catholic people really are, and yet they have no idea of their slavery. What an ideal situation to keep people away from the truth! There is something in the known that leads us to believe that if it is something "familiar" then it must be "safe." But in this case nothing could be further from the truth. Eventually I ran into two young men who tried to tell me that Catholicism was wrong and - they were two Mormon missionaries. You may smile when you read this. I do now when I think of those times when we had a long debate (for which I studied a lot using my Catholic theology books) about which of the two religions was correct."Leave them; they are blind guides of the blind; and if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into the hole . [7]
My Decision to enter the convent
Because I had no aunts, uncles or cousins and all my uncles and aunts who were two generations older than me, all of them were far away on the other side of the country, nobody encouraged me to enter what was called “religious life ”. It was my own decision alone, although the catechism teachers in high school, I'm sure, had a lot to do with that desire in me. Even my own Catholic mother did not seem to have any particular preferences regarding my eventual decision to enter the convent. However, in my early years of high school, I knew that I wanted to become a nun after graduation. I had a wonderful childhood, probably the best childhood anyone could wish for, and I was very confident of myself.
In my last years of high school, I and other young girls spent a weekend with the Sisters of St. Joseph in Orange to see what life was like in the convent and in particular, to see if I would be interested in joining that group of nuns. Sometimes I have wondered if they were testing us, since the first night what they served us for dinner was liver. I had never eaten liver before, but I suspected what that was as soon as I could smell it and all doubt disappeared as soon as I could taste it. I ate it but I wish the nuns didn't eat liver very often. The next day I was invited to the office to meet with one of the leaders there. One of the first questions he asked me was "Tell me about your problems." I remember thinking, "What kind of question is this?" Because I had no problems, I couldn't imagine someone my age having problems and I was wondering why she was asking me those kinds of questions. So, I just told him that I didn't have any problems. Looking back, I guess she was wondering if I was running from something, but I wasn't, for that reason the questioning didn't get very far.
Well, if I wasn't running away from something, then what made me decide for religious life? There were a couple of reasons: the main one was that I thought I wanted to give my life to God and serve him and it seemed to me that entering a convent would be the best and most logical option to achieve it. I have never been someone used to leaving things unfinished. I've always believed that if you're going to do something, you should do your best. The second reason was that the quiet life appealed to me.
So, in the Fall of 1966 after spending a weekend with the Sisters of St. Joseph of Orange and a month with the Sisters of the Good Shepherd in Los Angeles, I said goodbye to the world forever (at least that's what I thought) and I entered the convent of the Sisters of the Good Shepherd.
The Sisters of the Good Shepherd
I was really attracted to the habits (the wardrobe) that those nuns wore. I thought they were beautiful. They were totally white, except for the veil which was black. They also wore a large silver heart showing the "good shepherd." The novices wore white veils and those of us who were applying, we dressed all in black (During the first nine months in the convent, one is called as “postulante”). One of the first things that happened after I arrived was that they asked me if I would agree to cut my hair. As applicants we never saw the hair of the other nuns, this question came as a bit of a surprise to me, since it had never occurred to me to cut my hair, but this was the first of the many adjustments that I would have to make, so I did it with a lot taste.
The sisters of the good shepherd were "semi-cloistered", that is, they left the convent only when absolutely necessary, which never happened. That was a world within a world. It was a quiet place and yet that place was in the very heart of a busy city like Los Angeles. To me, that was representative of what a life surrendered to God meant — in the world, but not the world. The grounds were spacious and beautiful
—A great garden where we could walk, pray, and be alone with God — or so I believed. But in reality, I soon discovered that there was very little time for that, as we were constantly going from one activity to another. Every day was packed from the time we got up early in the morning for Mass until we very tired postulants finally went to bed at night.
Sometimes I would go up to the terrace and see the city and the contrast between the two worlds was very evident. I thought about the religious life inside the convent and how different “the world outside” was with all its sin, never going through my mind the terrible condition in which all unsaved people find themselves, regardless of their external chains. of a convent or those of a busy life in the night city.
For the next three months, I believed I was in heaven. When we went to the chapel to sing the Psalms, the voices of the nuns sounded like a heavenly choir. I was really impressed by the funeral of an elderly nun who had died while I was there. She was seen full of peace in her coffin, but appearances can be very deceptive, because if she did not trust Christ for her salvation, but died trusting in his good works, then she began a journey towards eternity in hell in the very moment of death. This is a pretty serious thought. How many people are deceived! Two verses from the Bible come to my mind: “ who saved us and called us with holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his purpose and the grace that was given to us in Christ Jesus before the times of the ages ” [8] , and once again: “ For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this not from you, it is the gift of God; not by works , so that no one can boast. " [9]
Because we did not leave the convent but rather continued our education there, the teachers came near the college of the Mount of Santa María to instruct us in the convent. The only class that I specifically remember is an English class and also studying a book written by someone called "Tanquery." I don't remember any class on the Bible itself. I had brought my Bible and tried to read it, but there was no interest there and I did not know where to start and had no one to help me understand what I was reading. I remember a similar situation that is mentioned in the book of Acts: “When Philip came, he heard him reading the prophet Isaiah, and he said: But do you understand what you are reading? He said: And how can I, if someone does not teach me? And he begged Felipe to come up and sit with him ". [10]
Along with our classes, we also had fun and recreation times - we even had a “party” or two, which usually consisted of a movie and some snacks. We played volleyball and basketball and I was trying with my hands to handle a skateboard (or should I say with my feet), from which I quickly fell, hurting my leg. Each of the postulants and novices had an area of responsibility. Mine was to help take care of the farm animals which included guinea pigs, chickens, ducks and even a sheep called "hallelujah". One of the funniest things I saw was the immersion of the chickens in water treated with medicine to remove any fleas they may have. I was raised in the city, but I learned very quickly that chickens don't like being in water.
Although it is true that there were some adjustments that had to be made, such as keeping silence at certain times throughout the day, depending on other sisters to take care of our needs instead of asking someone to give us something we need when we were at the table and other similar things, I thought I was adjusting very well and I was feeling happy. In fact, he thought that the practice of noticing the needs of others and providing for their needs rather than asking for them yourself was a very good thing to learn. It also didn't bother me to learn that all of our correspondence we received or sent was read or censored before we could receive or send it. Once again, she was a bit surprised but thought it was no big deal.
I remember being in the bathroom once, just before our period of silence was about to begin and I was locked there. There was not enough room to crawl under the door and although I thought I would yell for help, I did not dare to do so during the "silence" period. Eventually the lock came loose and I was able to get out of the lockdown.
Our "mother of novices" apparently noticed my adjustment in a different way and started calling me at her office on a regular basis to ask if I was happy or not. Each time I assured her that I did feel happy, but in the third interview I was not so happy due to her insistence that I was not happy and it began to annoy me that she had this false impression of me. It didn't matter what I said, she wouldn't give up on her opinion and a little later, just before Christmas, she called me one last time and told me I should go home. He told me that he had already called my dad and asked him to come pick me up and that he was outside waiting for me. I was devastated! He also told me that I should go home and think it over for a year and that if I still felt the same way in a year, I was free to go back.
My defection
When someone deserted, whether voluntarily or involuntarily, there was no opportunity to say goodbye to anyone. The applicants disappeared and no one knew what had happened to them. One or two had apparently been "fired" before me. One day they had disappeared and were no longer there. Our “mother” told me to enter a small room next to the reception room where I was told that I would find my clothes. I had to change into my applicant uniform and then go out the back door. This, she told me, would take me out to where my dad was waiting to take me home. It was as if I had done something wrong and was being fired in disgrace.
I was crying the whole trip home. I felt totally rejected, not by the nuns really, but by God Himself. What could be worse than believing that God had rejected me, especially after I had given up everything I had or could ever have to serve Him? Dear reader, I hope you meditate on this because there are many in "religion" today who think that they are giving their lives to God, but that one day they will face rejection from God. “Many will say to me in that day: Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name we cast out demons, and in your name we performed many miracles? And then I will declare to them: I never knew you; depart from me, you evildoers. " [eleven]
My poor father didn't know what to say to me, so he didn't say much. Yet he offered me all the comfort he could give me. Although I'm sure he was happy that I returned home, I'm also sure that he felt sad because of me. Of course, when I entered the convent, I had given up all my earthly possessions, except those few belongings that I had been allowed to take with me. Within a few days of getting home, I had to borrow ten cents to buy a snow cone. I felt pretty weird to say the least. Fortunately, although my mom had kept some clothes for me (probably "just in case I ever needed them") she had some clothes that I could wear until I could find a job and buy more clothes.
Life on the outside once again
Since classes were already advanced in the semester, I had to wait to start my freshman year at school, so instead of sitting at home doing nothing, I found a job. When the next semester rolled around, he had already bought a car so he could get to and from work. This meant that I now had payments to make, both on the car and on the insurance, and it also meant that I needed to keep my job in order to make my payments. Also, now I was a semester behind more than all my peers and that meant more humiliation than I had already experienced. At first, she was determined that when that year was over, she would return to the convent, but now as a contemplative nun.
The contemplative nuns are the ones who spend even more time in prayer and who are “cloistered” and who never leave the convent. But finally resentment took hold of me and I began to wonder why I would want to return when I had already been rejected once. So I gave up on that idea and started dating someone I had known a little before entering the convent. We were married a year later and because the Catholic Church disapproved of all forms of birth control except abstinence, our two children reached us within fifteen months each. After giving birth to our second child, I decided that no pope in a foreign country was going to tell me what form of control to use, as I didn't like the idea of having a child every year. Once I made the decision It was an easy thing to make the final decision which was to completely renounce the church. Although I must say that, in this particular aspect, I believe that the Catholic Church is correct, because I believe that we must obey God's command to be fruitful and multiply.“ Behold, sons are the inheritance of the Lord; A thing of esteem the fruit of the womb. As arrows are in the hand of the mighty, So are the children of the youth. Blessed is the man who filled his quiver with them; He will not be ashamed When I speak to the enemies at the gate. [12]
I continued to attend Mass every Sunday and every “holy day” for a while, but I didn't go daily like I did before. I wanted my children to have what I believed to be a Christian heritage and the Catholic Church was all I knew. However, I still believed that God had rejected me and not wanting to be a hypocrite, I finally gave up all church attendance. Something was missing, but I didn't know what it was.
My life turned into total chaos including a divorce in my marriage after seven years. It wasn't long afterward that, realizing that I was confused in many things, I cried out on my knees to God for wisdom and strength.
A short time later, a friend suggested that I start attending his Assemblies of God church, which was located right across the street from where I lived. He also recommended that I start reading the Bible. I did both. It was very difficult at first to read the Bible and I had to strain every day to read it. I still couldn't understand it, but I kept doing it and after a while, it got easier.
The pious influence of my grandmother
My paternal grandmother expressed some concern when I told her that I was attending a charismatic church, but she didn't say much about it because as she said, she didn't want to discourage me. I didn't really understand what she meant, but after a few years, I left that church and started attending a Calvary Chapel church every Sunday for regular services that was two hours away in Costa Mesa and on Wednesdays we had biblical studies. I was baptized in the ocean off Newport Beach and actually thought I had finally found my new church. It seemed like such a wonderful experience. I especially loved the praises, but it is not the praises or the church experience that saves us, but Jesus Christ and he still did not have that personal relationship with Him that is so indispensable. Eventually those two hours of driving to church became very heavy and difficult to bear, so I found a Calvary Chapel church closer to where I lived. I was somewhat happy there and attended for about five years. Then one day, the pastor told all of us that we could attend the church that was closest to our home and with the formation of a new Calvary Chapel church in my own city, this was the closest. I was also somewhat disappointed that these pastors seemed to be neglecting some of their “sheep” by prioritizing their more exciting trips to minister elsewhere. Why minister to some people in Chinese when you can go to China? Whether or not she was reconciled to God at the time is hard to say. God only knows, but I am inclined to think that I was not yet reconciled to God. I had not yet understood anything about the sovereignty of God and although I was already well acquainted with the things of the "church", I believe that I still lacked that personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Although I believed that He was already my Savior, I have to admit that He was not yet my Lord I think he still lacked that personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Although I believed that He was already my Savior, I have to admit that He was not yet my Lord I think he still lacked that personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Although I believed that He was already my Savior, I have to admit that He was not yet my Lordand He cannot be anyone's Savior if He is not the Lord. I still wanted to be in control of my own life and still wasn't willing to completely submit to his will. I think many people in our churches fall into this category.
While attending the Monday night Bible study in Costa Mesa, Chuck Missler (now the principal of Koinonia House), was the pastor who taught the classes, frequently mentioning various books and authors that he liked to read and that he used as resources. Because he seemed to me to possess good spiritual discernment, I wanted to read what he read, so I made some notes on some books and authors so that I could purchase them. One of those authors was Arthur W. Pink.
Although I was studying and trying very hard to understand different things about the Bible, I found myself confused on some things. It did not have the sufficient foundation that it needed, for that reason it was carried from one side to another, depending on the point of view and the eloquence of the speaker. The Bible calls this being carried around by every wind of doctrine. "So that we are no longer fluctuating children, carried everywhere by every wind of doctrine, by the stratagem of men who, to deceive, cleverly employ the tricks of error . " [13]
At last the understanding came to me
I must have learned some aspects of the truth as I remember someone telling me that I was a Calvinist. “No, I am not. I am a Christian ”I replied. "I don't even know what a Calvinist is." And he didn't know even after some time either.
Around 1986, I was trying to find out whether or not a person could lose his salvation. I had tried several times to find the answer to that question, so when I realized that Arthur W. Pink had written a book called "Eternal Security," I immediately bought it. As soon as I started reading it, I realized that what he was saying was the absolute truth and I never had problems with this same subject again. In his book "The Sovereignty of God" Pink wrote:
“The doctrine of the Sovereignty of God as presented in the Scriptures speaks to us from an exalted view of the perfections of God. You keep your rights as a Creator. He insists that “ for us, however, there is only one God, the Father, from whom all things proceed, and we are for him; and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things, and we through him ” (1 Corinthians 8: 6). He declares that his rights are those of the "Potter" who forms and molds clay into vessels of all kinds and for all kinds of use that He pleases. The testimony is “Lord, you are worthy to receive glory and honor and power; because you created all things, and by your will they exist and were created "(Revelation 4:11). He argues that no one has any right to "quarrel" against God and that the only attitude the creature should take is one of reverent submission before Him. That is why the understanding of the absolute supremacy of God is of great practical importance. For unless we have a correct attitude because of His great sovereignty, He will never be honored in our thoughts about Him, nor will He have the right place in our lives and hearts.
It had taken me ten years before I could really understand why God had taken me out of the convent. If he had left me there, I would never have had a true understanding of the gospel. I could never have read the Bible myself, or if I had, I wouldn't have understood it or couldn't find someone to explain it to me. I can also reasonably assume that no one would tell me the truth about salvation or God's grace, because I was locked away from the world. It is still difficult to hear the true gospel in many Protestant churches today and certainly no one can hear it in any Catholic parish unless God intervenes. Now I know that God could save me even when I was confined in the convent if He had wished to do so and then I would have left the convent by myself. But the truth is that God is a God who works in different ways and who takes pleasure in saving his elect through different circumstances, at different times of life, and in different ways, even though no one is saved outside of Jesus Christ or without having heard. the gospel. I am grateful that He had mercy on me and drew me to Himself. There is nothing better than that in all life. Absolutely nothing. although no one is saved outside of Jesus Christ or without having heard the gospel. I am grateful that He had mercy on me and drew me to Himself. There is nothing better than that in all life. Absolutely nothing. although no one is saved outside of Jesus Christ or without having heard the gospel. I am grateful that He had mercy on me and drew me to Himself. There is nothing better than that in all life. Absolutely nothing.
Additionally, I learned that there are times in our life when we don't understand why God does what He does or why He allows certain things to happen. In this case, it was ten years before I could finally understand it. But I also know that there may be other times when God chooses not to reveal His reasons for the things He is doing or for certain things that He is allowing. He wants us to trust Him. It took me one or two great lessons of this kind before I could finally understand that I must not question these things, but accept them in faith knowing that “ And we know that those who love God, all things work together for good, that is, those who are called according to his purpose ” (Romans 8:28). [14] The promise in Romans 8:28 however, is not for everyone, although some quote it in some form or another. But note the qualifier "those who love God" and "those who are called according to his purposes . " "Many are called, but few are chosen." [15] No, this promise is only for God's beloved children! Are you a child of God? We also have his promise that “ All that the Father gives me will come to me; and whoever comes to me, I will not cast out ” . [16]
Salvation is only by the Grace of God!
To this day, I cannot say for sure when was the moment when I was reconciled to God. Sometimes I wonder if it was only after my divorce that I cried out to God. Or was it perhaps later that I came to understand God's sovereignty in salvation and that I truly repented of my sins? Or was it even after my "mind knowledge" began to seep into my heart and perhaps I realized for the first time what it truly meant to live for Christ and not for myself as I had been doing? I don't know the answer to these questions. I suspect that some people are saved much later than when they thought they were and maybe I am one of them. But it doesn't really matter when it happens, because I know that at some point in my life, God in His sovereign grace and mercy, He reached out to me and worked a miracle of grace in my heart and it is by his grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone that I am saved. To God be the glory!.
I wish to conclude this testimony by quoting AW Pink once again in the conclusion he makes about the truth that God is sovereign in saving us:
“If this doctrine humbles us, then it results in Glory to God. If in light of God's sovereignty we can see our own need and insufficiency, then we should cry out with the psalmist “All my sources are in you” (Psalm 87: 7). If by nature we are "children of wrath" and in practice we are rebellious towards the government of God and justly exposed to the "curse" of the Law, and if God is not obliged to rescue us from just indignation and yet he gave his beloved Son for us all, then how much more grace and love can our hearts melt and how the understanding of this should prompt us to cry out in reverent gratitude “ Not to us, O Jehovah, not to us, But to your name it gives glory, for your mercy, for your truth "(Psalms 115: 1).
If you want to write to me, you can do so at the following email address: jayne.baer@gmail.com
[1] Romans 3:18
[2] Isaiah 53: 6
[3] John 7: 7
[4] Proverbs 22: 6
[5] Colossians 3: 3
[6] Proverbs 14:12
[7] Matthew 15:14
[8] 2Timothy 1: 9
[9] Ephesians 2: 8,9
[10] Acts 8:30, 31
[11] Matthew 7:22, 23
[12] Psalm 127: 3-5
[13] Ephesians 4:14
[14] Romans 8:28
[15] Matthew 22:14
[16] John 6:37
[Source: https://bereanbeacon.org/es/de-una-vida-en-el-convento-a-una-verdadera-vida-en-el-senor/]
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